Should you buy the Iron Throne of dildos on eBay?

In the game of dildos, you win or you buy a dildo-covered Iron Throne—which also counts as winning.

Mar 1, 2020, 1:22 am*

Internet Culture

Spike Friedman 

Spike Friedman

This article contains explicit material and may be NSFW.

In George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire series, sitting atop the Iron Throne is hard. You have to have a royal blood line, amass an army, raise some dragons, and play “the Game of Thrones” with ruthless efficiency.

Sitting atop the Iron Throne of dildos though? Way easier. You need like £650 (about $1000) and a British mailing address. That’s because a dildo-covered throne, which we admired enviously earlier this year, is now listed on eBay. The question is, should you buy it? Let’s break it down.

Do the words “CONDITION: USED” scare you?

If so? Don’t buy this dildo throne. If not? Consider buying this used dildo throne. Also, consider a lot of other things about your life.

Do you have a room in need of a defining piece of furniture?

If so, this dildo throne may be for you. Becuase it’s huge. Six feet tall, four feet deep and three feet wide, this is not a dildo throne that sits quietly in the corner of your studio apartment. It’s a throne for a throne room. Your place has a throne room, right?

Do you want to grab a unique opportunity with both hands?

Buy this dildo throne. Then put both of your hands on dildos and drag the throne into your life by the dildos.

You feel like you always wanted to win a contest, but you’ll never have the luck you need?

Buy this dildo throne. The seller, Ralph Jones, won it in a contest run by adult toy retailer Bondara, and his luck can be your fortune if you buy this dildo throne.

You want to roleplay as Tommen Baratheon?

Don’t buy a dildo throne. And get the hell out of my sight. 

Photo via Game of Thrones/HBO | Remix by Jason Reed

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*First Published: Jun 16, 2015, 5:28 pm