Craigslist roommate ad terrifies and disturbs us to our core

Everyone eventually ends up in a crappy roommate situation, whether it’s someone who never does their dishes or someone who plays their showtunes at maximum volume at night. But those problems sound like a breeze compared to the stuff that one Craigslister has in mind for whoever ends up as his roommate.

The Chicago-based post leads with a simple enough title: “Roommate needed for relaxed household (Logan Square).” But once you get into the details of the agreement—well, it sounds like a nightmare. First, you’re greeted by this somewhat eerie picture that fails to give you a sense of the place whatsoever.

Craigslist

Then the poster outlines some ground rules that are just straight up ridiculous:

“1, that sierra mist in the fridge is prescription soda and you may not have any. 2, if i ring the triangle in the kitchen it means you have to go to bed no matter what time it is. 3, you may have friend over but they have a 250 word limit. after that they’re not allowed to speak for the rest of their visit.”

It’s pretty clear that this is either a totally demented individual or a complete jokester trying to wreak some havoc on Craigslist. Here’s the entire agreement, just in case this wacky post gets deleted.

room mate needed. rent shared equally. storage of ice cubes in the freezer is not permitted, red wine to be served chilled. problem? do not email me ever
looking for chill roommate who wont act like a big bitch when i tell him/her to kiss my pet snake before they leave for work int he morning
ok some ground rules. 1, that sierra mist in the fridge is prescription soda and you may not have any. 2, if i ring the triangle in the kitchen it means you have to go to bed no matter what time it is. 3, you may have friend over but they have a 250 word limit. after that they’re not allowed to speak for the rest of their visit
if you want to live with me you cant be taller than me and if you wear socks you better not zap me with static electricity or you’re gone. got a bike? good. once a week youre gonna ride it in the street and let me sit on the handlebars
240 a month, no utilities, if you do the dishes I’ll put a poisonous frog in your bed
roommate wanted for relaxed household of young working professionals. 420 friendly but dont you fuckin dare say any other numbers in this house
you can’t own an even number of shoes. no Indian visitors for more than one hour.
see that shower curtain? never ever touch it. if it’s closed you come get me and i pull it back so you can shower
once a week we drag our beds into the living room and sleep out there. you may not go to bed before me nor may you get out of bed before i do
if you say good morning to me you must then explain whats so good about it or i will send you back to your room
also you must put a pillow over your face when you sleep as i do not care to hear you breathing
roommate needed. no more than 9 toes. rent must be paid within 10 minutes of the peak of the equinox in a lump sum. neither cash nor credit nor debit nor check accepted. I get 4 of your shirts, my choice. no pets bigger than your head. you have to wear shoes one size smaller than your feet. bring your own toilet. no salt or pepper. you need to let me use your phone one hour a day. not more than 3 pairs of pants
do. not. ask. me. to. move. the. puppets. from. the. foyer. closet.
1) never take the trash bags off my windows
2) do not kiss my guns3) kiss my guns every day
1. Never refer to my face as my ass
2. Never refer to my ass and face separately3. never don’t refer to my ass, neither my face
you must own 4 watches as i will be taking them and putting one on each of my dog’s arms
i will be taking your temperature every day for the first month you live here. if you have a higher average temperature than me you have to pay for more of the a/c cost in the summer but less heating cost in the winter
do not sit down in this house unless you want me to put on a dumb ass old timey outfit and shine your shoes
***potential male roommates: you must put one foot up on the toilet when you pee into it***
i told the neighbors your name is austin so that’s what you answer to if we are in the front or backyard
throughout the course of the week you will round up a minimum of ten (10) fluorescent tubes so that i may get drunk and smash them in the garage on sunday nights. you will clean up the mess
if you drink beer in the living room you have to drink an equal amount of piss. it is up to me which room is the living room at any given time
included in rent is a subscription to netflix. your name on it is Darth Retard and youre only allowed to watch star wars cartoons
no matching socks permitted. I choose the rent. I am allowed to kill without warning and with extreme prejudice. you have to write me a letter every morning stating that you “love being a fag”. you must bring a pet and give it to me legally. snickers allowed on weekdays but milky ways are forbidden.
If I nail a rat to your door, its time to pay rent. Two rats, im having sex in there. A third rat, disregard the previous two
if i kill you in a video game i get to kill you in real life

Chicago Craigslist has seen quite the classifieds lately, like the dude who vowed to hunt down whoever pooped on his Tesla. As for this Craigslist ad in search of a roommate—well, we’ll keep on looking.

Photo via genista/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0)

Gabe Bergado

Gabe Bergado

Gabe Bergado is a Daily Dot alumnus who covered dank memes, teens, and the weirdest corners of the Internet. One time, Ted Cruz supporters turned him into a meme—or at least tried to. In 2017, he started reporting for Teen Vogue's entertainment section.