As the media slowly combs through Hillary Clinton’s personal emails from her four-year stint as President Obama’s secretary of state, tedious work is occasionally rewarded with some gems. This week, we had gefilte fish:
— Olivier Knox (@OKnox) September 1, 2015
The Washington Post explained:
[In 2010], ahead of the Jewish holiday, a rather large shipment of frozen fish was held on its way from the United States to Israel… Clinton, it seems, was playing foreign gefilte fish hero. At the very least she was trying to fulfill a promise she had made to then-Illinois Rep. Don Manzullo, a Republican, who was fretting over the potential tax. “Sounds to me like one of those issues that should rise to the highest levels of our government,” she said at the time. ‘I will take that mission on.’”
But as any American who has freed themselves from the lies of the federal government knows, all of Clinton’s emails are written in code. That story is a mere cover-up. Here we offer some plausible alternative theories:
1) The Jewish Vote
Obviously, “gefilte fish” is code for “the Jewish vote.” Hillary needs the Jewish vote because Jews control the media and the stock market. For the record, every stereotype about Jewish people is true. And this is coming from a Jew. Jewz forever. (Also, I will deny ever writing this,)
2) The Word Association Theory
Gefilte fish → Fish → Ocean → Submarines → The Soviet Union → The Cold War (which, despite popular belief, never ended) → The pending apocalypse → Call your loved ones ASAP
HOT TIP: It’s always about Benghazi. Always.
4) The Acronym Theory
In conspiracy theory circles, it’s widely believed that GEFILTE FISH is an acronym for the most evil and powerful people to ever exist:
George Bush (ranked #1 on BuzzFeed’s list of best/worst war criminals of all time)
Eve Peyser (your trusty author, your guide through this madness, one day you will see my true power—one day)
Franz Ferdinand (his assassination more or less caused World War I)
Il, Kim Jung (naturally)
Lawrence, Jennifer (America’s sweetheart… or the devil? Both? Neither?)
Tony Soprano (he is a real person, the Illuminati just doesn’t want you to know that)
Emeril Lagasse (you don’t even want to know the atrocities he’s committed)
Franco, James (did you really think he didn’t run the world?? c’mon)
Imelda Marcos (SHOES!)
Snoop Dogg (NOT Snoop Lion… not the same person… get me drunk and I’ll explain the whole thing to you)
Hillary Clinton (she sent the email and she is running for president)
Clinton asked “Where are we on this?” because she wanted to ensure that she knocked Hitler off the H. Hillary now reigns supreme. All hail Xenu.
5) The Illuminati
“Gefilte fish” could well be a code word for “the Illuminati.” When Hillary writes “Where are we on this?” she’s simply asking about the logistics of their next meeting because last month it was Jay Z’s turn to host, but this month Oprah is in charge, and she always tells them the location of the meetings last-minute. Also, Dick Cheney better not “forget” the chips and soda this time.
IT’S DEFINITELY ABOUT BENGHAZI, DID I NOT MAKE THAT CLEAR?
Photo via Edsel Little/Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)