But it’s rare to find an animal who subscribes so loyally to at least one facet of the conservative movement. And it’s the bird in the video below. Take a look.
What’s fascinating about the bird is not its unwillingness to share. It’s that the bird so clearly does not believe in the redistribution of wealth, one of the principles of anybody who considers himself a conservative.
And it’s hard to disagree with his point. The bird in the middle—let’s call him Rick Santorum—has worked hard to crack open that shell. Why should anybody else—including the bird on the left, aka Pope Francis, and the one on the right, whose name is Bernie Sanders—get a slice of his pie when Santorum is the one putting in all the sweat to make it edible?
Rather than share with his fellow birds, he decides to drop the food while fighting for it. What is this, after all? A freakin’ welfare state filled with avian socialists who think all the wealthy birds should have to pay more than their fair share of nuts simply because they have more than the other guy?
No, sir. This is America, Jack. You crack the shell and you—and you alone, dammit—should get to keep what’s inside.
This bird is obviously right-wing (get it?), and Santorum should be proud that he stuck up for himself. Even if, in the end, no one got to eat the nut they all so badly desired.
Josh Katzowitz is a staff writer at the Daily Dot specializing in YouTube and boxing. His work has appeared in the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Washington Post, and Los Angeles Times. A longtime sports writer, he's covered the NFL for CBSSports.com and boxing for Forbes. His work has been noted twice in the Best American Sports Writing book series.
