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They just can’t look away—even if they want to.
There’s nothing quite like a first date with someone you’ve met online. All your neuroses float to the surface, your greatest flaws lie exposed, and your body language completely betrays you. It can feel like everyone in the vicinity knows exactly what you’re going through—because they do.
No one can be more attuned to your misery than bartenders, those keen observers of the human animal’s bizarre and stupid mating rituals. From bros who hit on everyone but their date to ladies who open Tinder while their escort is in the bathroom, drink-slingers have seen it all. Even when a couple hits it off, they know the fling will “crash and burn” in due course.
Further evidence that all first dates should take place as far as possible from any other sentient beings. Seriously, ask your crush out to a cemetery sometime: Dead people don’t judge!
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'