Once upon a time, there was a little girl with a dream. What if there was a teddy bear that would sing “Happy Birthday” for hours with no way to make it stop? What if people could buy these bears and ship them to their enemies and soon-to-be enemies around the world?
Some fathers would have told the little girl what a mean idea that was, and that she should do her homework or some such nonsense. Luckily for young Mikayla Wilson, and unluckily for her future victims, her father is no ordinary man. He’s Cornelius Wilson, the man who ran a little service called Ship Your Enemies Glitter. Cornelius thought his daughter’s idea was wonderful and, more importantly, marketable.
Thus Annoying Teddy was born.
It looks so innocent, so cute, and most of all, so normal. But inside lies the beating heart of madness. No, not the band. The other madness. The bad kind.
Once the bear’s cutie-wootie widdle paw is pressed, he begins singing “Happy Birthday.” And keeps singing “Happy Birthday.” And keeps singing “Happy Birthday.” And keeps singing “Happy Birthday.” Until he is either destroyed or the batteries die. Although it’s doubtful anyone’s ever made it that far. Feel free to watch this three-hour video to see what we mean.
The bear’s 8-year-old creator took some time away from torturing people to answer a few questions via email. Here’s what she had to say for herself.
How did you come up with such a diabolical idea?
It was a joke for my uncle’s birthday. I had to be sneaky and I thought the funniest thing would be one of my teddy bears singing him “Happy Birthday” for the entire day.
After you came up with the idea, what steps did you take to make it a reality?
I told my dad my idea about the teddy and he thought it was a funny idea so then we contacted a teddy bear maker. My dad paid for them and it took a few practice bears before we could get one we liked. They had a hard time making the song play for the time we wanted.
Do you ever feel bad about people receiving these bears?
No, because it’s supposed to be a joke to send people. I really wish more people could record what they did so I can laugh at it.
How did you manage to find such an annoying version of “Happy Birthday”?
My dad first found a song we could use. All of our practice bears had it but when the final bear arrived it played a different version. There was a mistake made by the people who gave us the music player. Their song was actually more annoying than what we picked.
How often have you witnessed people reacting to the bear in person? Is there a specific time that stands out?
Six people. The one I remember is I had my friends over and she didn’t know what the bear did. She just picks it off the ground, pressed play, and he started singing. She was freaking out on how to turn it off. After I told her they don’t go off, we picked up seven more bears and had them playing at the same time. That was pretty fun running around the house trying to shut them off.
Who was the first person to receive one of your bears?
My uncle and I got to see the video because my aunt recorded it and it was hilarious.
Do you have any ideas for another project?
I want to make a game for my tablet. My dad has me learning how to build one so that soon I can make my own.
My friend Bob is pretty angry about this bear. Any suggestions about how to calm him down?
Hmmm, maybe get him another teddy bear that does not sing—just a regular one—and say I’m sorry.
As the last question implies, I felt that in the name of journalism, science, and annoying the crap out of one’s friends, I had no choice but to give one of these bears to my pal Bob. His birthday was over a month ago, but it would have to do.
I snuck over to Bob’s house in the middle of the day and left the bear, along with an anonymous card, on his doorstep. I even had my girlfriend write out the card so he wouldn’t recognize my handwriting. I also had her wrap the box because I suck at that.
An hour later, I got a text message from Ann Marie, Bob’s girlfriend:
Ann Marie could not stop laughing on the phone. She had gone to let the their dog out when she discovered the package. She woke Bob up from a nap so he could open it. It couldn’t have been more perfect. Apparently he punched it until it stopped. Then he grabbed its paw and it started again. It seemed my friend was unhappy with his gift. Like really unhappy. Two hours after leaving the package on his doorstep, this video showed up on his Facebook page.
Look away, Mikayla. Look away.
He seemed to have calmed down a bit the next day, so I thought it was safe to ask him a some questions over Facebook. It went better than expected.
Thank you, Mr. Nugent, for agreeing to answer some questions. First, please share how receiving the bear made you feel.
Confused. I opened the poorly wrapped box and saw the card, noticed that it didn’t have a name on it, and then saw the bear. I could not figure out what was happening.
Yeah, it wasn’t.
The video you posted seemed to indicate that you have a great deal of anger to work through in your personal life. Are you thankful that receiving this bear has brought this flaw in your personality to the surface where you can more easily deal with it?
I don’t consider myself an angry person. However, I did feel like lashing out at the person who paid to do this horrible thing to me. Since that person was unbeknownst to me, and since the bear was, it received the business.
I roughed him up a little, gave him the what-for.
Also I didn’t think it was that poorly wrapped.
It was wrapped in seven or eight pieces of oddly cut paper and the bottom had no paper on it. The ribbon was nice, I guess.
In the video, you made a creative choice to violate the bear with a piece of fruit. Was this in any way symbolic of your own feelings of sexual inadequacy?
Well, when I shoved the banana in the bear’s new butthole I got an erection. Is that what you’re asking?
No, but thank you for providing that information.
Finally, the bear’s creator suggested that, by way of apology, I get you a stuffed bear that doesn’t sing. Do you feel this would help soothe your hurt little baby feelings?
My feelings are big man feelings and in no way would another bear make me feel better. I hate stuffed animals and I hate you and the person who made this is bad and I hope his child skins her knee.
Thank you, Mr. Nugent, for taking the time to talk with me today. May God have mercy on your soul.
Burn in hell, horse dick.
There it is.
So what have we learned? I mean, other than the fact that my friend has some serious mental health issues?
Maybe that being mean is fun? Maybe that 8-year-old girls have devious minds? Maybe that there will always something hilarious about the sound of ketchup squirting out of a plastic bottle?
Who knows. What I do know is that Christmas shopping is going to be way easier this year.
Photo via Cornelius Wilson