8 simple steps to make him propose this engagement season

If you’re a normal, healthy girl, what you really want for the holidays is your face (and, ideally, ring finger) featured on Instagram’s @howheasked proposal page.

So if you’re pretty and an acceptable level of crazy, brace yourself. Thanksgiving weekend marks the start of engagement season, and let’s face it, ladies: We’re not getting any younger. 

Even if you’re dating the most desperate balding human marshmallow in town, there’s no guarantee he’ll like it enough to put a ring on it. Especially if you can’t afford plastic surgery! You don’t want to be the only one on your block who dies with the last name they were born with, right? 

With these fears in mind, here are 8 easy steps to forcing a proposal.

1) Hate getting oral sex as much as you love giving it!

The penis is gross, this much we know, but it’s nothing compared to the vagina! Suck it up (literally, lol), but don’t forget that afterward, he might feel obligated to reciprocate. Particularly if he went to one of those touchy-feely liberal arts schools and didn’t play any sports. If you don’t want a husband who resents you, tell him he doesn’t have to stick his tongue in your mucusy mess! It will make him see that you really are one in a million (at least feminazism has been good for something!) If you can master this sex technique, you may never have to let yourself be penetrated again!

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2) Don’t get your period!

Men don’t trust anything that bleeds for three days and doesn’t die, so if you’re not too young to have it, or can’t lose so much weight it stops all together, try pretending you don’t get it! Trust me, he doesn’t want a woman subject to the same biological laws as the rest of your vile gender. If he weren’t so scared of dying alone, he wouldn’t be with you at all, so make him see that you’re better than anyone else unlucky enough to be born without a penis.

3) Show him you’re the perfect roommate!

When a guy is ready to settle down, it means he’s ready to share his life. Make sure he knows that life with you will be better than bachelorhood. He should feel like he’s moving back in with his mom (except for all the blow jobs, lol). Whether he didn’t get that big promotion or needs someone to wash his undies, be his rock and you’re sure to get one of your own!

4) Be your own woman!

Don’t be threatened when he wants to leave you home alone. Respect his guy time and use it to do your own thing! Be yourself and do something that’s just for you! Something girly, like luring an older married man back to your place and stabbing him in taint when you’re going down on him. That’ll teach him to cheat! Or it would if the blood loss wasn’t sure to kill him!

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5) Stroke his ego!

When your boyfriend gets back from his guy’s night, he’s gonna be drunk. Seeing that dead body on your living room floor is gonna freak him out. But don’t worry! This is the perfect chance to show him he wears the pants (even though you look great in those J Brand jeans, lol). Your man may seem like he can carry the weight of the world on his strong, broad shoulders, but deep down he’s a vulnerable child, easy to manipulate. Remember, it’s behind every great man is a great woman. Not in front of. So tell him he’s the one who killed the creep. With his feeble male brain, he won’t be hard to convince.

6) Be enthusiastic about his hobbies!

I’m not saying you can’t watch Bravo while he’s at work and you’re folding laundry, but try to take an active interest in the stuff he likes. Take him into account when stealing your getaway car. Something sporty to get you out of town faster, or a heavy duty pickup for easy transportation of the body/grave-digging supplies? A wife doesn’t need to ask. She just knows!

7) Be a guy’s girl!

Here’s what men will never tell you: They want a girl in the bedroom and a bro everywhere else. Rock hiking boots as well as you rock those sexy stilettos! Learn to fish and shoot as well as him—but not better. (Remember: Stroke his ego!) You’ll need those skills when hiding from the Feds—and he’ll come to see how he can’t live without you.

8) Remind him that a husband and wife can’t be compelled to testify against each other!

Presto! You’re engaged!

Photo via Josh Sherrill/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

Cece Lederer

Cece Lederer

Cece Lederer is a journalist and former television writer from New York who wrote about entertainment, lifestyle, and comedy for the Daily Dot. She is a former writers' assistant for The Colbert Report, and her reporting has also appeared in Salon. She's currently based in Berlin.