The Mummy reboot, which launches Universal’s Dark Universe, failed to woo critics—some of whom suggested viewers watch the Brendan Fraser Mummy series instead—and faltered at the U.S. box office next to Wonder Woman. But if you were still morbidly curious about the film, comic book writer Gail Simone’s scathing review can handily illustrate the experience of watching The Mummy without you actually having to watch The Mummy.
Simone, who’s written Wonder Woman, Birds of Prey, Batgirl, Red Sonja, and Secret Six, went to see the new Tom Cruise flick on its opening weekend. Here are her thoughts—each one more vivid than the next.
So, THE MUMMY is like gluing a bunch of smoke alarms to your head while your ugly cousin whacks them with a wooden axe handle.
— Gail Simone 💙💛 (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like lighting the fuse before you suddenly remember all the firecrackers are in your butt.
— Gail Simone 💙💛 (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like that feeling when you think they are going to show Deuce Bigelow 2…and then they DO.
— Gail Simone 💙💛 (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like when you are starving and the only thing to eat is Taco Bell's new Cool Ranch Scrotal Value Menu.
— Gail Simone 💙💛 (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like when you go to you high school reunion, and the hottest guy has turned into eight turds in a Glad bag.
— Gail Simone 💙💛 (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
At this point, Simone’s descriptions are already painting a beautifully horrific picture, with each comparison even more grotesque than the last. The way she describes it, The Mummy sounds like a next-level mess with extremely low expectations of terribleness both met and surpassed.
But the more creative Simone gets with her review the more fascinating it becomes. Could it be that bad?
THE MUMMY is like if you make an elementary school save all their used Band-aids in a jar and at the end of the year, you eat them cold.
— Gail Simone 💙💛 (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is a lot like a festering groin wound but with fewer interesting characters.
— Gail Simone 💙💛 (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like when you search your kid's computer expecting porn and it's actually a spec script for RUSH HOUR 5.
— Gail Simone 💙💛 (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
Simone later clarified that while she had fun at The Mummy , it was still pretty bad overall.
So, guys, guess what I saw?
— Gail Simone 💙💛 (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY!
I kinda liked it!
I feel like I might have sent some mixed messages about THE MUMMY.
— Gail Simone 💙💛 (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
Sorry.
Seriously, The Mummy is kind of awful, but I still had fun. It's fun/awful. It's funful.
— Gail Simone 💙💛 (@GailSimone) June 11, 2017
It almost makes us want to see how bad it really is. Almost.
H/T The Mary Sue