Go through enough online dating profiles and you begin to wonder if anyone on this planet is in possession of a brain. It’s not the profile writer’s fault: It’s just really hard to summarize yourself in a few typed paragraphs. If you met in person, you might be totally charmed, but on sites like OkCupid and Match, you’re too put off by grammatical errors and unwarranted douche vibes.
That’s where one anonymous, single, 27-year-old lady in D.C. has a brilliant idea: Become a professional online dating profile writer. Why not? People are looking for love, and she’s looking to get paid for her writing. To find clients, she posted an ad on Craigslist, calling herself Find the Write One (FTWO):
I’m a sketch comedy and T.V. sitcom writer, and have worked on numerous shows in L.A. And I want to help you get laid. Or at least find love.
– I have a B.A. in English from an Ivy league school, love to write, and can objectively say I am a funny writer. Listen, I’m single and writing a craigslist ad about helping others find love. LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING, k?
– I’m on numerous dating sites, and often receive messages about how the writing in my profile caught his/her attention (that’s right, I’ve gotten responses from both men AND women regarding my writing).
– I’ve edited my friends’ dating profiles to give them a more comedic tone and they’ve received messages specifically referencing lines I’ve added. It puts a smile on my face until I realize I’m Janeane Garofalo from The Truth About Cats & Dogs.
She’s charging $25 bucks a profile.
She also threw in a little tag about looking for a boyfriend for herself. I emailed her to talk about her plan and why people are so bad at writing their own profiles.
DD: How many responses have you had so far?
FTWO: I have had 3 responses! The first was from a girl who wanted to know if I was interested in making hundreds of thousands of dollars by working at home—I DO,but haven’t responded. The second was from a guy who asked if I’d like my car wrapped with the “Re-loadable Visa Prepaid Debit Card Advert by MyVanilla” for $350 weekly. Again, money, yes please. I still have that one in my inbox. And the third was an ACTUAL potential client. I responded with a rundown of my services in greater detail and have yet to hear back… The car wrap idea is looking really good about now.
DD: Who are you? What’s your deal?
FTWO: UGH the debate to remain elusive and mysterious and intriguing versus the attention-whore only child who wants my name EVERYWHERE.
I will give you some bullet points about my life because it’s a little out there—
- Moved to L.A. after college to pursue TV writing, had representation and was on a track (the right one, who knows?) to EVENTUALLY get paid for my writing (let’s say by 2020). Decided after 4 years, (3 reality shows, 1 Disney show, and 1 failed pilot), I was MISERABLE in L.A. and missed my friends and family back home in D.C.
- Moved back to D.C. in Feb to work for my mom at her PR firm.
- My boss is also my roommate. We do our nightly Food Network and/or “Bachelorette” watching in her bedroom at the Watergate, where I bring the average age down about 50 yrs.
- My parents have been divorced since 2008, but are totally amicable—they actually get along so well, that my mother has given my father office space in her office suite. It happens to be the storage closet, but it’s got a desk!
- My Grandma (dad’s mom) is 104 and still doesn’t know they’re divorced, so we go to a lot of family lunches and dinners together.
- My mother and I are both single, and it’s recently become a bit of an issue. Had to wait for my Grandma’s (other one) cataract surgery, when my mom was out of town, in order to have an adult sleepover. Grandma’s fine. My love life, not so much.
DD: How old are you?
FTWO: I recently turned 27, which seems like the EXPIRATION DATE in the “Looking for” portion on a lot of guys’ OkCupid profiles…
DD: I’m 25 and my boyfriend’s 35. He told me you age out like foster care. He was kidding. So you want to remain anon?
FTWO: Hahah. Was he, though…?
Anon would be great. I mean, you can always write that you assume I’m drop dead gorgeous, have a smile brighter than Liberace’s loungewear, and the most attractive brain anyone has ever laid eyes on.
DD: What makes people so bad at writing their own profiles?
FTWO: Hm, I don’t necessarily think people are bad writers—I actually think it’s hard for people to write about themselves. They’re thinking “Am I coming off like a douchebag?” (If you’re asking that then yes, probably), or are so worried about doing that, they create a profile that’s void of any personality. Unfortunately, the only thing one can really judge from a profile like that is appearance (from profile photos).
When I look at guys’ profiles, I’m actively looking for something that makes them stand out. Sure we all like going to bars and Nats games, cool, but I want something that will give me more information about you—make it more interactive. We all know how to make lists, the difference is the users presenting that information in an entertaining way will actually get visitors’ attention.
Also, DON’T respond to messages with monosyllabic answers. What am I supposed to do when you reach out to me with “Yo.” Really? Really.
DD: Why should someone hire you?
FTWO: I provide a time-saving service. Also, regarding my writing—I provide an outside perspective. People get anxious writing profiles, and I give them that peace of mind by writing things they may not feel totally comfortable putting in themselves. What I add to these clients’ profiles may be that one thing that catches someone’s attention. That one thing they maybe spent an hour debating whether or not to add, and in the end, deleting it out of fear. I’m that supportive hand patting your back saying “No, it’s good! Put it in! Look how great you are!” Sometimes you need that when self-promoting. I’m hoping to take away that pressure and stress of presenting yourself online.