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Summer has been around for three months, and we can’t say we’re sad about its
departure. Now that the polar vortex is just a distant memory, the sun that we
prayed for has outworn its welcome. We’re at the point this August where any
venture outdoors is a matter of life and death.
Subsequently, we’ve found
ourselves spending more time away from the sun’s cruel glare, trolling the Internet—as millennials do. And after watching the “Slave 4 U” music video for the hundredth time this week,
we’ve noticed a correlation between Britney Spears’ behavior and the sudden swell of
anger that overcomes us whenever we have to go outside.
There is a reason Britney Spears is an icon. Like the Eye of Providence, she
knows and sees all. Even in 2001, Spears knew the damage humanity would
wreak on our environment, predicting the record high temperatures, air pollution,
and sexual intensity that have plagued 2015.
Thus, here are some of the worst moments of summer, as described by “Slave 4 U.”
“Oh Crap, It’s Actually That Hot Outside”
We know the feeling far too well. We wake up, check our phones, and see that
the current temperature is 97 degrees—but feels like 117. At first we think this
is a sadistic trick played by weather.com, considering this kind of heat seems
physically impossible. We’re thousands of miles from the equator, and nothing
about summer in Manhattan says tropical.
Yet nature is full of surprises. Hellish
heat is the new normal.
We open the window of our stuffy apartment and are hit by a brick wall of
humidity. It’s so damn hot outside, pigeons are nosediving into the pavement.
Britney understands this plight. Why do you think she’s leaning over her balcony
like that? She wants to jump. This humidity is not only messing up her hairdo, it’s
got her feeling like all hope is lost.
“There Are No Work Appropriate Clothes For This”
We’ve started sweating in places we didn’t even know had glands. And since Bill
de Blasio hasn’t built those air-conditioned tunnels that The Jetsons promised us,
we have to confront the heat whether we want to or not. Sometimes that means
we have to go outside in a crop top and external thong. It may not be business
casual, but it’s the only thing keeping us from heat exhaustion. With this August
humidity, our coworkers should be grateful we showed up in any clothing at all.
There is no
such thing as indecent exposure in 100-degree-plus weather. At the very least we
should be allowed to work on our tan. Yes, we have the body of a sexy teeny-bopper. Yes, our belly button is completely exposed. Please stop staring and start
working on staying hydrated.
“Why Is Everyone Touching Me?”
August summers bring out the worst in people. We’ve come very close to cussing
out toddlers, but those oversized babies could’ve taken us. Everyone is moist
and everything is annoying.
The last thing anyone wants to do is enter the
seventh ring of hell, otherwise know as the subway platform. No fresh air gets in
and no fresh air gets out. Masses of vermin and unhygienic people congregate for several minutes before a gust of sewage-like air signals the arrival of a train. We’re excited
to get on the air-conditioned car only to realize that it’s so crowded, strangers are
rubbing their sweaty cottage-cheese bodies all over us.
It’s as intimate as this mass orgy in “Slave 4 U.” Foreign men lick the perspiration
off our faces. Our eyes roll to the back of our head, not from arousal but from the
very real possibility we might faint.
“We Will Burn This Place To The Ground If We Have To”
Have you ever been so sullen, so desperate, that you’ve attempted to trigger your
sprinkler system? Us neither. This is in no way an admission of guilt.
saying is that air-conditioning is a basic human right that every person deserves.
Rent is already too damn high, not to mention the catastrophic bill that comes
with leaving our AC on for 64 days straight. During the summer, we’re all pushed
to our breaking point. Some react violently, lashing out at those they love, and
others devolve into anarchy.
In Britney’s case, this means getting relief from the scorching heat at the risk of
setting the building on fire and going down with it. We’re desperate, too. We’ve
been so hot that we wish we could peel off our skin and walk around as an skeleton. So hot that a nuclear winter sounds semi-appealing. So hot
that cryogenically freezing ourselves is a legitimate life decision.
“What Is That Moisture Falling From The Sky?”
That moisture is the sky crying. She is sad because humans have mistreated her.
She knows that no amount of tears will restore her to her former glory.
very infrequently but once in a blue moon, water will fall from the sky, and in a
post-apocalyptic fury, people grab their bowls and begin dancing in the street. No
one knows when the rains will come again and as demonstrated in “Slave 4 U,” it’s best to celebrate the moment without acknowledging how sad it is.
Photo via BritneySpearsVEVO/YouTube
Ziwe Fumudoh is a writer and comedian. Her work has appeared in the Onion and Reductress, and she is a co-host at Crooked Media.