If you’ve spent any time on YouTube over the past few years, you’ve undoubtedly seen videos from WatchMojo in the sidebar. I have no idea who is behind WatchMojo, but they produce an embarrassing amount of content. If you can imagine a premise, WatchMojo has absolutely made a “top 10” list about it.
Most of these are fairly inoffensive—like, I’m not going to go watch “top 10 best anime death scenes”—but it’s not going to cause me to lose any sleep. Yet there are occasions when WatchMojo’s relentlessness manifests in some truly baffling ways.
Look, I know that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. I write for the Daily Dot, which means I love SEO terms, but I still think there’s a limit. Or at least there should be a limit, because if there isn’t, all writers will be replaced by algorithmic click-miners automatically aggregating softcore movie sex scenes for teenagers everywhere. God help us.
Anyway, here are the 10 most useless WatchMojo top 10 lists of all time.
10) Top 10 Horror Games So Scary You Forgot They Existed
This is just flawed logic. What? They were so scary I… forgot they existed? Why not just ‘top 10 obscure horror games’? Or something?
9) Top 10 Devastating Volcanic Disasters
“And the 35,000 who perished in the horrific Krakatoa eruption of 1883 comes in at number three!”
8) Top 10 Star Trek Movies
WatchMojo is a semi-sentient clickfarm that I shouldn’t hold to any standard, however minimal, but sometimes they produce something that upsets me in a truly visceral way. There are a grand total of 13 Star Trek movies. By doing a top 10 list, you are ranking Star Trek movies that fall into the bottom 20 percent. Please stop.
7) Top 10 Cocktails for Men/Women
You know, I really don’t need a depressing content robot gendering my cocktails, OK?
6) Top 10 McDonald’s Menu Items
It’s the return of everyone’s favorite internet arbiter WatchMojo, this time ranking the top 10 McDonald’s items! Can someone please tell WatchMojo that 99 percent of the things on McDonald’s menu are made with the same four things? They fucking rank “The Double Cheeseburger” at number nine. I don’t even think there is something called “The Double Cheeseburger” at McDonald’s. Does McDonald’s hold a copyright on “Double Cheeseburger”? Are they going to start delivering cease-and-desists to family barbeques? Goddammit, WatchMojo—you tricked me again.
5) Top 10 Norse Gods
In 2016, actual deities are ranked in top 10 lists. If you’re wondering whether this was a flimsy excuse to get the Marvel movie version of Odin in a thumbnail, you are 100 percent right.
4) Top 10 International Manhunts
I just love imagining something like this with a cheery disposition. “And that’s our list! Did we miss any manhunts you love? Please tell us in the comments below!”
3) Top 10 Foods That Can Kill You
Top 10? TOP 10??? Top 10 foods that can kill you. Like, I don’t even know you you draw the distinction. “Wow, this food can kill you, but this food can kill you better.” How about instead, just, “10 foods that can kill you.” There’s no shame in that, WatchMojo. Please, work with me here.
2) Top 10 Best Breaking Benjamin Songs
Oh, OK, sweet. Just what I was looking for. I honestly think this is the perfect WatchMojo list. Nobody on planet Earth would ever conceive “the top 10 Breaking Benjamin” songs organically. But when you’re forced to make 4,000 videos a day, you gotta do what you gotta do… I guess. Also, apparently there is more than one Breaking Benjamin song. Who knew?
1) Top 10 Great Songs From Terrible Bands
There is no Breaking Benjamin on this list, so it’s immediately irrelevant as far as I’m concerned.
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