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In 1933, famed psychologist Sigmund Freud put forth the idea of “penis envy.” While I’d be remiss if I told you I wasn’t envious of men’s ability to pee standing up or the amount of dick jokes they’re allowed to make, I’m pleased to say that I no longer suffer from this phenomenon.
It’s all thanks to an insurance executive named Vladimir Laurent, who hails from Coral Springs, Florida.
According to GQ, Laurent recently filed a patent for an invention that combats the dreaded “toilet balls.” The patent’s abstract: “The toilet sanitary shield for male genitalia is a device that is placed in the toilet to prevent the male genitalia from touching the walls of the toilet while in use.”
GQ describes this phenomenon as “having genitals so enormous that they fall in the toilet when you’re taking a dump.” Cute.
Curious about what this brilliant invention would look like?
My takeaway from all this:
1) I am grateful that I don’t have this type of anatomy.
2) Dayum, that scrotum!
3) Stay safe, boys. I’m praying for ya.
Also, if you experience “toilet balls,” please tweet at me because I would love to interview about the trauma you somehow cope with on a daily basis.
Eve Peyser is a writer and comedian based in New York. She has published bylines in Esquire, the Washington Post, Gizmodo, and GQ, and she works as a staff politics and culture writer at Vice.