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Picture this: You’re Elliot Kaufman, a self-identified conservative with bylines at the Wall Street Journal and the National Review. For some reason, this doesn’t get you laid, so instead, you find a new solution: Negging random women on the subway.
Kaufman went viral this week after he tweeted an unreasonably thirsty conversation between himself and what he describes as an “attractive 22-year-old girl” on the New York City subway. After the woman apparently asked Kaufman what he was reading, he immediately lit up, saying that he “has been waiting for this moment my entire life.” But as soon as he explained that he was reading a biography on Winston Churchill, his heart was crushed after learning that the woman on the train didn’t know who Churchill was.
In response, he turned to Twitter with a now-deleted tweet in a desperate attempt to make fun of the woman who broke his heart.
attractive 22-yo model on the subway (i suspect that she is 22 based on the pronunciation of her hand tendons): oh my god that book looks so big!— Orgy O' Agamben (@Ad0rnosPorno69) September 24, 2018
me: how old are you darling?
her: can you teach me to read???
me: this is a list of every states’ age of consent laws, and pic.twitter.com/7TWe4wJYJw
This isn’t Kaufman’s first thirsty tweet, for the record. He has a pinned tweet inviting “anyone who sees this” to “DM me to get lunch/dinner/drinks,” and there’s also one where he tweets about thinking of “sex without the law.” There’s even a hidden gem in his timeline about eating an entire box filled with tenders and popcorn chicken from KFC on the subway. Quite the catch, ladies.
when you’re a super horney conservative who just moved to the Big Ass City !! New York New York !! pic.twitter.com/BZ1NGvvBGI— Orgy O' Agamben (@Ad0rnosPorno69) September 24, 2018
There’s something about Kaufman’s desperation, his incredibly high standards, and his weirdly off-putting condescension that just screams avoid at all costs. It’s so bad, it’s good. And thus a meme was born about the “attractive 22-year-old girl on the subway” that totally exists and isn’t made up.
Attractive 22-yo girl on the subway: Whoa, that looks cool, what are you reading?— Eindeloos Tussendoortjes (@i_zzzzzz) September 25, 2018
Me: I am reading a printout of the Wikipedia page "Hitch (2005 film)" on Hammermill® Copy Plus 8.5x11 20lb stock.
Her: Does it use colourLok® Technology for 60% bolder blacks?
attractive 22-yo girl on the subway: (in a thick boston accent) ey pal you got a smoke?— lance the wound (@lancethewound) September 24, 2018
me, has been waiting for this moment my entire life: anything for a broad like ya self. you from this pawtta town? lemme buy ya dinna
her: (has vanished with my wallet & keys)
me: not again!!!
Attractive 22-yo girl on the subway: Whoa, that looks cool, what are you reading?— DAREDEVIL RACCOON (@itsyahboyhere) September 25, 2018
Me: Mocking her with ape-like mimicry, pulling pages out of the book and hurling them at her, spitting on the subway floor and making masturbatory gestures.
Attractive 22-yo girl on the subway: Whoa, Churchill was a white supremacist— Patrick Claybon (@PatrickClaybon) September 24, 2018
Me, has been waiting for this moment my entire life: yup.
Hi, it’s me, the attractive girl who says “Whoa, that looks cool, what are you reading?” to men I don’t know on the subway. I also say “Hey, by the way, I’m 22 years old.” pic.twitter.com/2iV6xcaFg9— I hope Stephen Sondheim is having a nice day (@GraceSpelman) September 25, 2018
Attractive 22-yo girl on the subway: argle bargle argle bargle?— joe (@_chapelperilous) September 24, 2018
Me, has been waiting for this moment my entire life: argle bargle argle bargle argle bargle.
Her: argle bargle.
Twitter users even came up with some more realistic renditions of what happens on the subway when two people are talking to each other.
What actually happened— erick erickdad (@NormsRespecter) September 24, 2018
Attractive 22- yo girl on the subway standing minding her own business and on her phone
Me, leaving the house for the first time in weeks and having watched 27 hours of YouTube in preparation: I'm... Reading a book on Winston Churchill
Attractive 22-yo girl on the subway: *Doing anything to avoid getting this weirdo’s attention*— G.I. Joey Joe Joe (@GIJoeyJoeJoe) September 24, 2018
Me, has been waiting for this moment my entire life: Hi there! I saw you looking over. Oh it’s just a biography of Winston Churchill’s early years.
Her: Don’t talk to me
Attractive 22-yo girl on the subway: Excuse me— I.F. Stone (@Frictative) September 24, 2018
Me: Oh, sorry *scoots over*
Attractive 22-yo girl on the subway:— Antoine Linguine (@aklingus) September 25, 2018
Me, thousands of miles away: there should be a Book-It! program for adults
Attractive 22-yo girl on the subway: Hey is this your bag?— I.F. Stone (@Frictative) September 24, 2018
Me, about to leave the train: Oh yeah, thanks! Have a good one.
Her: You too.
Attractive 22-yo girl on the subway: Whoa, are you eating beans?— kriss krossenstein (@ivnob) September 24, 2018
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For the record, Kaufman isn’t a fan of the tweets.
“You’ve become a meme now,” his friend Eamonn O’Keeffe tweeted.
“Among people who take their cues from rich kid socialists,” Kaufman, a Stanford alumnus, replied.
my homie don’t like free speech! pic.twitter.com/92hR83Fw3e— Orgy O' Agamben (@Ad0rnosPorno69) September 24, 2018
Ana Valens is a reporter specializing in online queer communities, marginalized identities, and adult content creation. She is Daily Dot's Trans/Sex columnist. Her work has appeared at Vice, Vox, Truthout, Bitch Media, Kill Screen, Rolling Stone, and the Toast. She lives in Brooklyn, New York, and spends her free time developing queer adult games.