Although St. Patrick’s Day is technically a religious feast day honoring the patron saint of Ireland, we all know it’s really an excuse for sloppy amateurs to show off their projectile vomiting skills after drinking four rounds of Irish car bombs.
To anyone celebrating St. Patrick’s Day at their local Houlihan’s today, I offer a few words of advice: Don’t drink to impress others. Don’t drink competitively. Don’t drink like the bar might run dry, leaving you suddenly stunned and sober in the midst of the greatest party ever (which St. Patrick’s Day certainly isn’t). Try to drink like a human being, or you’ll end up like one of these people:
Let us never forget what St. Patrick’s Day truly is: Mardi Gras with uglier people, worse weather, and much, much crappier booze.