What if Pluto is catfishing us?

I thought I knew him.

 

Gabe Bergado

Internet Culture

Published Jul 14, 2015   Updated May 28, 2021, 8:55 am CDT

It’s one of the biggest dangers of online dating: getting catfished.

Featured Video Hide

There’s different degrees of getting romantically duped, everything from the guy lying about being 5’11” while actually being 5’8″ to the extreme cases that MTV‘s reality television show Catfish documents. Dating is like navigating through land mines full of liars.

Advertisement Hide

And there’s no bigger catfisher in this solar system than that shady dude Pluto. While we anticipate finally meeting the celestial body up close thanks to NASA‘s New Horizons mission, let’s recap some of the biggest lies that have already been cleansed with the power of truth along with some of the things we’ve learned from the current space mission.

1) Turns out Pluto’s not even a planet.

Like seriously? Pluto goes on and on how he’s this icy cool, long last planet out farther than even Neptune. Then the truth comes out in 2006 that he’s actually a dwarf planet. Sure, he says it’s not because of his size but because he’s just a part of the Kuiper Belt, but can we ever really be sure?

Advertisement Hide

2) He even fibbed about his diameter.

Sure, he turned out to be bigger IRL, even though it doesn’t change him from dwarf plane status. Fifty miles bigger in diameter isn’t that big of a deal, but what about building trust?

3) What’s up with that heart birthmark?

OK, so he never told us about the huge heart. What exactly is it? Some ode to a past lover? Strange birthmark that luckily looks like something instead of a misshaped blob? We just need Pluto to be straight up honest and stop speaking from his heart or whatever. 

Advertisement Hide

4) He even lied about where he actually lives.

The solar system is huge, and I didn’t know I’d be venturing out all the way to the fucking third zone to meet up for our first date. That’s hella far. I was already coming to terms with having to cross the Asteroid Belt to see this guy.

5) So he’s like, not blue?

Advertisement Hide

Every textbook in elementary school told me that Pluto was some blue planet, obviously a different shade from Neptune. But then new pics from NASA show that Pluto is actually some odd peach color. If I was into orange guys, I’d just go with Jupiter (even though I’m not that into gas giants).

6) And he looks different in so many pics.

Sometimes he’ll look like this. 

But then all of a sudden he’ll become all serene looking and with all this hair.

Advertisement Hide

So Pluto, what’s the truth? 

Advertisement Hide

Photo via NASA/Instagram

Share this article
*First Published: Jul 14, 2015, 6:52 pm CDT