- Trump accuses Jewish Democrats of having ‘great disloyalty’ or a ‘lack of knowledge’ Tuesday 8:02 PM
- 1 million ‘anonymous’ users of popular porn site exposed in breach Tuesday 6:56 PM
- Khloé Kardashian angers followers with a calorie-counting joke about True Tuesday 6:14 PM
- Spider-Man may no longer be part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe Tuesday 5:28 PM
- Robert De Niro’s company is suing ex-employee for binge-watching Netflix at work Tuesday 4:41 PM
- Intentionally misgendering a character could get you banned from Borderlands 3 Tuesday 4:06 PM
- Facebook pulls Trump re-election ad for targeting ‘strong women’ Tuesday 4:03 PM
- Kamala Harris says she will restore net neutrality if elected Tuesday 3:16 PM
- All 8 of the ‘Rocky’ movies, ranked Tuesday 2:50 PM
- Everything you need to know about the Facebook conservative bias report Tuesday 2:35 PM
- Study links emoji use to more sex Tuesday 2:10 PM
- The chicken sandwich war is in full throttle on Twitter Tuesday 1:47 PM
- Netflix’s ‘Sextuplets’ proves Marlon Wayans is no Eddie Murphy—or even Mike Myers Tuesday 1:31 PM
- Facebook is finally rolling out its clear history tool Tuesday 1:13 PM
- ‘Theater etiquette’ tweets surge after YouTuber cast in ‘Waitress’ Tuesday 12:55 PM
Spoiler alert: We’re all going to die. That’s the balls thing about life is that it ends. Unless you’re on team cryogenic freeze or simply won’t rest until you unearth that fountain of youth, you’re pretty out of luck in the immortality department.
If you’re living in the United States and want some real big spoilers about the fun that lies ahead when your body starts to decay, look no further than Flowing Data’s horrifying “How You Will Die” simulator. Simply plug in your gender, race, and age and watch the morbid crystal ball appear. The graphics take the shape of colored dots, denoting every sad year you come one step closer to meeting your maker. Each color is an affliction and it’s a major surprise “crushing ennui” isn’t on that list.
Even more surprising, the demographics culled from the CDC don’t really offer a lot in terms of diversity. The drop-down menu for race contains just four options: White, Asian, Black, and Native. What’s a Hispanic woman to do? Go looking for the truth behind these stats.
According to the CDC’s Underlying Cause of Death database, claiming a “Hispanic origin” is its own special designation. In the “fruit salad of life,” being Latino or Chicano is apparently the refreshing yogurt topping or something. The CDC goes on to explain that this is just kind of the way demographics are reported in the United States. So, how the hell will I die?
I have no goddamn clue. The CDC even concedes that there’s a whole lot of unreported folks of Hispanic origin dying out there, muddling the information they’ve unleashed and making Flowing Data’s dotted existential crisis surprisingly dubious. If you can fit your ethnicity and gender into the boxes provided, have at it and let me know how you see your death unfolding. I bet it’s gonna be hella epic.
Image via Flowing Data
A former Weekend Editor at the Daily Dot, April Siese's reporting covers everything from technology and politics to web culture and humor. Her work has been published by Bustle, Uproxx, Death and Taxes, Rolling Stone, the Daily Beast, Thrillist, Atlas Obscura, and others. Siese joined Quartz in December 2016.