With the opening of the 2016 Major League Baseball season, Americans have duly begun to gorge themselves on fast food in the stands. But the fast food game has changed over time—and the days of going to a ballgame and simply ordering a hot dog and a beer are pretty much over.
Sure, a dog was OK for the Old Style-swigging Chicagoan playing hooky from his second-shift factory job so he could catch the Cubbies at Wrigley Field back in the 1940s. And perhaps a box of Cracker Jack was good enough for the suburban kid who was catching a game with all the sunglasses-wearing suburbanites at Dodger Stadium in the 1960s.
But today? Today, a little processed pork and some Schlitzy suds aren’t good enough. Baseball fans demand better food selection. They want sushi or seafood, depending on what part of the country they live in. Meaty sandwiches with fries and coleslaw stuffed between the pieces of bread in Pittsburgh, crab cakes in Baltimore, and BBQ in Kansas City.
But sometimes the ballpark food creations are way, way too much. Do we, after all, really need to stuff five different kinds of pork into our faces while sitting in the nosebleed seats for a Rangers game? Do we really need to have WebMD on standby on our smartphones for all the symptoms we experience after finishing our food in Atlanta? Probably not.
Here are nine of the most ridiculous meals ever captured at the ballpark, one for each inning of the game. Because, like using utensils to eat pizza, sometimes getting too ambitious at mealtime is the biggest strikeout of all.
1) Another mistake by the lake
What is this, Cleveland? More importantly, why is this? The Indians are introducing a few new varieties of hot dogs this year, including the one above, and one with fried egg, bacon, and Fruit Loops. Seriously? Fruit Loops? Yeah, seriously.
2) Two meals that should not be mixed
Having difficulty deciding between a cheeseburger and a pepperoni pizza? No problem. At Turner Field in Atlanta, you can smash them both together and ingest them at the same time. You know, like a true Southern gentleman.
As the Associated Press describes it, “[it’s] a grilled 20-ounce beef patty, covered with five slices of cheddar cheese, topped with crispy bacon, and served between two 8-inch pepperoni pizzas. Don’t forget to bring a credit card. The Burgerizza is $26, and it’s worth noting an angioplasty is not included.”
3) At least it sounds healthy
Because what could be healthier than sweet potatoes with grilled chicken and Greek yogurt?
4) Mac and cheese (and more cheese) on a dog
This actually looks pretty good, but you’re probably better off declining, because as you walk through the parking lot to get back to your car after the game, keeling over and dying is somewhat frowned upon.
5) Would you like some meat with your meat?
This is for those who think a bacon cheeseburger by itself is simply too damn healthy.
6) This one is for the birds
What is this? A baseball game or the goddamn Renaissance faire?
7) Another hot dog creation that was invented to kill you
Because who doesn’t enjoy suffering from acid indigestion (or Jesus, is that … am I having a heart attack?!?) when sitting in post-game traffic?
8) A plethora of pork
Seriously, this abomination has five different kinds of pork: pulled pork, bacon, sausage, prosciutto, and ham. Also, pork rinds on the side.
Here’s what Casey Rapp, the general manager for the food service company at Globe Life Park, told the Dallas Morning News: “Stuff could fall out.”
What he didn’t mention is that the “stuff” might include your colon.
9) At last, the only item that makes any sense
Hard liquor in Philadelphia? Yes, hard liquor in Philadelphia!
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