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It’s Friday the 13th, and you know what that means: There’s a very good chance you won’t live to see the weekend.
Yes, bad luck seems to abound on days like today—but you can always protect yourself. Here are some essential survival tips.
- Avoid any summer sleepaway camps. Yeah, we know it’s November and you’re in your twenties, but if someone invites you to go “explore” some abandoned cabins near a mountain lake, take a rain check. You can always go on the 14th.
- Don’t have sex. Not even with a condom. “Safe” sex never really is.
- Don’t do drugs—you might as well be having sex, honestly.
- If you’re in a group, think twice before “splitting up to cover more ground.” What does covering ground even mean? Ground doesn’t need to be covered. The ground is doing fine. Worry about yourself!
- If you’re wheelchair-bound, now’s the time to spontaneously heal your legs so you can run away from any machete-wielding killers.
- Assume that any unexplained sound—especially one you’re tempted to dismiss as “just the wind”—signals the approach of a machete-wielding killer, and take any appropriate next steps.
- In fact, you might want to secure a machete of your own?
- Never fall asleep. No matter how exhausted you might be from fleeing a machete-wielding killer, there’s always the off-chance that some other homicidal character is waiting to butcher you in your dreams.
- Swimming isn’t a good idea. And kind of a sore subject, really.
- Getting on a spaceship won’t save you, either. Trust us, it’s been done.
- Try to be white. For some reason, minorities are especially susceptible to the fatal effects of Friday the 13th. We may never know why.
- Make plans during daylight hours instead of getting together during the big thunderstorm forecast for later tonight.
- Should all else fail, pretend to be a big hockey fan.
Photo via Ed Schipul/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0)
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'