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Every great civilization arrives at its tipping point.
Every great civilization arrives at its tipping point. Perhaps it begins to decay under the weight of an insupportable caste system, or it finds itself forced to reckon with imperialist invaders. In certain cases, an intellectual revolution may rewrite the rules that undergird society.
In our case, it’s fucking hoverboards.
Can there be any doubt that these hands-free, gyroscopic scooters signal the end of the great neoliberal experiment? We’re talking about devices that routinely catch fire, tempt priests to sin, injure boxing champions, and cause movie-star freakouts on airplanes. There are only two ways the future can unfold: Either we survive, or the hoverboards do.
To make the point more forcefully, we here at the Daily Dot have taken it upon ourselves to provide a regular blotter of sorts for #HoverboardCrime. If you can read this report every week and hold out hope for humanity, we’d very much like to know how.
- Boca Raton, Florida — Feb. 27: A 20-year-old and a 17-year-old boy stand accused of a string of robberies in a downtown library parking lot and allegedly stole two hoverboards earlier that day. The pair reportedly approached their last victims on said hoverboards and “unsuccessfully tried to take a purse from one woman and a wallet,” then fled the scene in a Honda, the Palm Beach Post reported. Why not try to escape on hoverboard? Because hoverboards suck.
- Newark, New Jersey — Feb. 28: Police said that two men attempted to steal a hoverboard “from a house’s open garage,” but while one was taken into custody, “the second suspect managed to flee.” We’re guessing he got away while the police were playing with the recovered hoverboard. Meanwhile, the guy they caught had bail set at $40,000, the monetary equivalent of about 200 hoverboards.
- Dallas — March 3: Around 4am, police said, a driver stopped in a parking lot asked a man on a hoverboard if he needed a ride. Apparently incensed by the insult to his super-cool conveyance, the hoverboarder later returned to the scene to impart some angry words. “As the victim drove away, the man on the hoverboard pulled out a gun and fired at the victim’s car, striking him in the right arm. The accused shooter then took off on the hoverboard,” NBC reported, though Dallas police rep Tramese Andrews said the suspect “fled the location on foot” and would not confirm whether “the man was on the hoverboard when he shot the driver.” An attempted coverup by Big Hoverboard? Almost certainly.
- Hertford, U.K. — March 4: A lad riding his Segway PT—that’s brandspeak for “hoverboard”—”approached by two men and a woman—all aged approximately 18 years old—when one of the men asked to have a go but then made off on foot towards the leisure centre.” This has to rank among the chillest getaways of all time. Lesson learned: You don’t let randos “have a go” on your expensive piece of fakely futuristic garbage.
- Jonesboro, Arkansas — March 5: Police arrested two individuals who had allegedly broken into a residence and robbed the tenants at gunpoint. A vehicle linked to the duo was found to contain several of the victims’ belongings, including “one Lenova Yoga computer, a PlayStation 4, and a gold hoverboard.” Nice that the stolen goods were recovered, but having to tell law enforcement, “Yes, that’s my gold hoverboard” is just too high a price to pay for justice.
What sort of depraved and embarrassing #HoverboardCrime will we see in the week to come? We can’t wait to find out. Please feel free to send any illicit hoverboard news to us at [email protected] Remember: It’s up to you to make sure these things are mocked right out of existence.
Photo via Soar Boards/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'