‘Horny Ted Cruz’ is the Twitter parody our nation deserves

By now you may have noticed that senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz is… problematic. Whether he’s holding a gun event following a public shooting, cooking bacon with a machine gun, or encouraging voters to spank Hillary Clinton, it’s pretty clear that Ted Cruz is kind of the worst.

But is he also the horniest?

That’s the premise of a hilarious new parody Twitter account, @HornyTedCruz. The account regularly tweets Ted Cruz’s (imagined) political stances and horniest thoughts.

The duo behind the account, a pair of friends who wish to remain anonymous, told the Daily Dot, “It all got started when one of us said to the other, ‘Hey, I think I’m gonna make the Twitter account @HornybenCarson,’ and the other said, ‘Let’s make it together, and do @HornyTedCruz instead.’”

They added, “We realized that while everyone loves Ted Cruz’s policy positions, no one talks about how horny he is all the time… Have you ever seen a picture of Ted Cruz? Whenever you look into his eyes you can just tell he is really turned on.”

The avatar they selected certainly illustrates their point.

Twitter

“Whether that twinkling look in his eyes comes from his hatred and discrimination against minorities, immigrants, and women, or if it comes from his insatiable sexual desire, he has a unique look,” the duo insisted.

That look becomes even more hilarious when paired with @HornyTedCruz’s 140-character pickup lines.

But Horny Ted knows politics aren’t the only way to a lady’s pants. He also keeps his finger on the pulse of pop culture.

Horny Ted is especially fond of Miranda from Sex and the City.

Perhaps the funniest tweets are those that exemplify just how a fumbling Ted Cruz might flail about searching for action on the Internet.

The creators of the account explained, “Over the long, long, long time we’ve been running the account, we’ve slowly transformed from a vaguely horny man to a middle aged man that doesn’t quite understand technology but wants to use it to satisfy his desires.”

But mostly Ted just wants to know where the party’s at.

The parody account has inspired yet another parody, @CelibateTedCruz. The duo say they have no association with that account: “We have no idea who that is and the whole idea that Ted Cruz isn’t horny all the time is a huge shame.”

As for the real Ted Cruz’s actual potential as a candidate, they turned the tables and asked our opinion: “Do you think the public is ready for a horny president?”

When we couldn’t provide a conclusive answer, the pair pointed to our country’s history. “I think puritans were probably horny most of the time. Just like Ted Cruz… I think America would appreciate his honesty.”

Welp, we can’t argue with that.

Photo via Jamelle Bouie/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

Nayomi Reghay

Nayomi Reghay

Nayomi Reghay is a frequent contributor to the Daily Dot, covering body positivity, feminism, sex, relationships, and gender. She is also the author of the advice column “Swipe This!” A former New York Teaching Fellow, her writing has been featured in Reductress, Rolling Stone, Mic, Someecards, and more.