By now you may have noticed that senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz is… problematic. Whether he’s holding a gun event following a public shooting, cooking bacon with a machine gun, or encouraging voters to spank Hillary Clinton, it’s pretty clear that Ted Cruz is kind of the worst.
But is he also the horniest?
That’s the premise of a hilarious new parody Twitter account, @HornyTedCruz. The account regularly tweets Ted Cruz’s (imagined) political stances and horniest thoughts.
nations infrastructure is crumbling – big gov’t not the answer- we need private enterprise. my wife is gone tonight if ur around come over
— Horny Ted Cruz (@HornyTedCruz) January 12, 2016
The duo behind the account, a pair of friends who wish to remain anonymous, told the Daily Dot, “It all got started when one of us said to the other, ‘Hey, I think I’m gonna make the Twitter account @HornybenCarson,’ and the other said, ‘Let’s make it together, and do @HornyTedCruz instead.’”
They added, “We realized that while everyone loves Ted Cruz’s policy positions, no one talks about how horny he is all the time… Have you ever seen a picture of Ted Cruz? Whenever you look into his eyes you can just tell he is really turned on.”
The avatar they selected certainly illustrates their point.
“Whether that twinkling look in his eyes comes from his hatred and discrimination against minorities, immigrants, and women, or if it comes from his insatiable sexual desire, he has a unique look,” the duo insisted.
That look becomes even more hilarious when paired with @HornyTedCruz’s 140-character pickup lines.
me: hey you
— Horny Ted Cruz (@HornyTedCruz) January 12, 2016
Hillary: im runnin 4 president
me: me too im horny
Hillary: im telling the media this is outrageous
me: lets talk this out
RT for ending Obamacare
— Horny Ted Cruz (@HornyTedCruz) January 11, 2016
Fav for reverse cowgirl
But Horny Ted knows politics aren’t the only way to a lady’s pants. He also keeps his finger on the pulse of pop culture.
Can someone please tell me what the song hotline bling is about? I’m running for president and I’m so horny
— Horny Ted Cruz (@HornyTedCruz) January 12, 2016
heard a rumor that @HamiltonMusical has live sex scenes anyone have an extra ticket?
— Horny Ted Cruz (@HornyTedCruz) January 11, 2016
actually love Adele – someone let her know im on imessage if shes up and wants to chat
— Horny Ted Cruz (@HornyTedCruz) January 14, 2016
“If you want to destroy my sweater
— Horny Ted Cruz (@HornyTedCruz) January 12, 2016
Hold this thread as I walk away “
– weezer
Great song, hmu if u want to listen to Weezer and get naked
Horny Ted is especially fond of Miranda from Sex and the City.
Can I borrow someone’s HBO Go password I wanna watch all the scenes from Sex and the City with Miranda in them
— Horny Ted Cruz (@HornyTedCruz) January 8, 2016
any new porn with Miranda from Sex and the City?
— Horny Ted Cruz (@HornyTedCruz) January 11, 2016
Perhaps the funniest tweets are those that exemplify just how a fumbling Ted Cruz might flail about searching for action on the Internet.
Can the NSA or my wife track my search history if I use google chrome private browser?
— Horny Ted Cruz (@HornyTedCruz) January 12, 2016
anyone know any good sexy story tumblrs
— Horny Ted Cruz (@HornyTedCruz) January 14, 2016
wyd i just got this cool webcam lets chat pic.twitter.com/KrBKZpolVU
— Horny Ted Cruz (@HornyTedCruz) January 13, 2016
hey dm me if ur up i have a couple pics on this flash drive i can send you my wife is sleeping
— Horny Ted Cruz (@HornyTedCruz) January 13, 2016
Any good chat rooms for republicans ?
— Horny Ted Cruz (@HornyTedCruz) January 9, 2016
The creators of the account explained, “Over the long, long, long time we’ve been running the account, we’ve slowly transformed from a vaguely horny man to a middle aged man that doesn’t quite understand technology but wants to use it to satisfy his desires.”
But mostly Ted just wants to know where the party’s at.
Where do they film porn movies?
— Horny Ted Cruz (@HornyTedCruz) January 12, 2016
The parody account has inspired yet another parody, @CelibateTedCruz. The duo say they have no association with that account: “We have no idea who that is and the whole idea that Ted Cruz isn’t horny all the time is a huge shame.”
As for the real Ted Cruz’s actual potential as a candidate, they turned the tables and asked our opinion: “Do you think the public is ready for a horny president?”
When we couldn’t provide a conclusive answer, the pair pointed to our country’s history. “I think puritans were probably horny most of the time. Just like Ted Cruz… I think America would appreciate his honesty.”
Welp, we can’t argue with that.
Photo via Jamelle Bouie/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)
