Hardly a day goes by when I’m not appalled anew by the depths of human depravity, and today is no different: Seriously, which one of you stole this giant rubber duck from Clinton Sunrise Rotary Club in New Jersey?
Just tell me. Who did it? I promise I won’t be mad. The thing is, it’s not your duck. It was a crowning touch for the community’s 27th annual Great Rubber Ducky Race, benefits benefits the American Cancer Society and the Cancer Support Community of Central New Jersey. So give it back.
You’re not going to get away with this. Everyone’s looking for that giant rubber duck. It would be a lot simpler if you turned yourself in now—to me, not the police, so I can get that $250 Crime Stoppers reward.
Wait, what? We found it? Oh, thank god. I know I was putting on a brave face, but I was really worried for a few days there. What a relief.
He’s OK! And still inflatable! But the question remains—who stole him, and what did they do to him? I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep at night, knowing these hooligans are still out there somewhere. No rubber duck is safe.I recommend not taking any bubble baths without armed security present.