14 incredibly unsappy Valentine’s Day cards

These are valentines your date will never forget, not even with therapy.

 

Mike Fenn

Internet Culture

Published Feb 14, 2013   Updated Jun 2, 2021, 12:45 am CDT

You’re probably sick of reading about Valentine’s Day by now. They’re all the same. They’re never memorable.

But if all the sap in the air is making you sick, maybe you’ll think beyond The Notebook this Valentine’s Day. Express your romantic sentiments through a real cinematic classic: The Human Centipede. And don’t bother with a Hallmark card (or a Someecard) either. 

These messages of love, lust, and soda theft may result in Valentine’s Days your date will never forget, not even with the aid of therapy.

1) Sometimes, love just ain’t enough. The missing ingredient is lemon-lime soda.


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2) It’s nice to know that, to Amelia, deodorant is still optional.


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3) Ah, canned Beefaroni and a Nicolas Cage valentine. Or, in Internet terminology, marriage proposal material.


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4) This is an actual vintage card that, for some reason, isn’t seen in stores anymore. Except maybe in Texas.


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5) Nothing expresses love truly like a Joker-esque face scrawled onto a desk.


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6) All is fair in love and war. But more so in war.


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7) If you receive this card, it is a sure sign that your Valentine is a keeper. The front is a major sacrifice.


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8) This card, from a daughter to her father, signifies the importance of undying love.


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9) You should be thankful. Wolverine never expresses his love this way.


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10) If you have earned the respect of your students without having set foot on the Jedi Council, you have won as a teacher.


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11) Should Mom and Dad feel grateful or horribly afraid?


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12) Grapes have nothing on tear ducts.


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13) I would have to say that Squidward is far uglier than Patrick.


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14) Pair this one with, uh, chocolate? Or not. Gross.


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BONUS CAGE: The sting of love isn’t always this painful.


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*First Published: Feb 14, 2013, 7:31 pm CST