Gage Skidmore/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0) | Remix by Jason Reed

7 Christies more likely to be elected president than Chris

Does the dude really have a chance?

Mar 1, 2020, 12:10 am*

Internet Culture

 

Gabe Bergado

Chris Christie announced that he’d be joining the 2016 race earlier this week, duking it out with the gamut of over a dozen Republican candidates angling for their party’s nomination. Frankly, between his slew of scandals including Bridgegate and the fact that 65 percent of  New Jersey residents don’t think he’ll make a good commander-in-chief, it’s pretty unlikely Christie is going to even get close to the presidential candidate debate . 

Things look so bleak for Christie’s chances of becoming America’s Next Top Republican Presidential Candidate that we can think of more than half a dozen other Christies who stand a better chance to be elected into the White House.

1) Christie Brinkley

With over 500 magazine covers under her belt and having spent 25 years as the face of CoverGirl cosmetics, is the easy, breezy, beautiful candidate that we need elected to office. She’s also a public figure vocal about environmental issues and animal rights. In 2013, she was named the Pet Philanthropy Circle’s Humanitarian of the Year. If a former bodybuilder can be the governor of California, a multi-millionaire former model can definitely be president. 

2) Chris T(ucker)

The American people would not be where they are today without the artistry of Rush Hour, Rush Hour 2, and Rush Hour 3. Tucker even endorsed now-President Obama back in 2008—perhaps its time for Barack to return the favor? 

3) Chris’s Tea Cottage in Bigfork, Montana

It might be closed now, but the Yelp reviews that Chris’s Tea Cottage received prove that Chris’s Tea was a fine establishment with only the most honorable values. Kevin M. has the top comment, “I started with a beer and hand dipped corndog. Both were great, especially the corndog.” Nothing is more American than a beer and hand dipped corndog, and voters know it.

4) Kirstie Alley

A pillar of Hollywood, Alley’s stunning performances in classics such as Cheers, Look Who’s Talking, and most importantly Drop-Dead Gorgeous are vital to the world of pop culture. Alley is also an incredible entrepreneur, having launched the weight loss company Organic Liaison. Its big product, Rescue ME, an organic, USDA-certified drink, helped Alley lose 100 pounds, demonstrating her determination and ability to change. 

5) Christy Carlson Romano

People may be more familiar with Shia LaBeouf, who played her little brother on the Disney Channel show Even Stevens, but this Christy is just as talented to lead the free world. She was the voice of the redhead heroine Kim Possible, and she’s also the only Christie on this list with military experience, having co-starred with Hilary Duff on the Disney Channel Original Movie Cadet Kelly

6) Christina Aguilera 

Former Mickey Mouse Club kid, judge on The Voice, and a UN ambassador for the World Food Programme? Xtina’s got my vote. 

7) Christianity

While there might be some time management conflict between the Messiah vetoing bills while also saving humanity, we’re sure with the right cabinet that Jesus and Christianity would do a holy-good job at running the United States of America. Just fire that Judas guy from your cabinet. 

Photo via Gage Skidmore/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0) | Remix by Jason Reed

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*First Published: Jul 4, 2015, 9:00 am