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In news no one ever expected to read about, a bull semen factory in Australia caught fire on Tuesday and exploded. A bull semen factory, for those wondering, is actually more of a semen storage facility that also performs artificial insemination of cows—in this case, at least, the actual semen collection process happens elsewhere. The explosions were caused by the cryogenically frozen cylinders of bull semen pressurizing due to the heat, forcing the lids off and the contents out at high speed. The fire took ten hours to extinguish, with the firefighters in “defensive mode” to protect themselves from the bull semen projectiles.
Naturally, everyone lost their mind upon hearing the news. The jokes pretty much wrote themselves.
Dispatch: Uh yeah, we got an explosion at the bull factory— Alex Wood (Pack 2-0) (@gtpwoody) September 18, 2019
Dispatch: No, Semen
Maybe the *real* massive semen explosion at the cum factory was in our hearts, this whole time— bryan wieder (@BryanAgain) September 18, 2019
Damn who would have thought that sky net would go after the bull semen first. https://t.co/0Gq78y4yg4— Wil Carlson (@WilisMovingOut) September 18, 2019
Explosion! at the Bull Semen Factory— Dang Laser (@youranalogbuddy) September 18, 2019
There were almost too many choices for headline writers.
We live in a world where there was a semen explosion at a cum factory and every publication is trying to use words that don’t make it sound like there was a semen explosion at a cum factory.— Ross W Berman IV (@RossWBermanIV) September 18, 2019
A semen factory exploded and it's somehow only the 12th most-discussed story of the day ... dark times— Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) September 17, 2019
Today on Twitter:— Tom James (@TomPJames) September 18, 2019
- BoJo says there’s ‘no press here’, in front of loads of press
- Allegedly, Homophobia to increase in Toronto because Chick-fil-a is opening
- Students at ‘Christian’ seminary confess their sins to a bunch of plants
- Explosion at a bull semen factory
In any other era "Explosion at Bull Semen Factory" would be the strangest headline, in 2019 it isn't even the weirdest of the week. https://t.co/2G1VB9tLuW— Johnny Normality (@Probgoblin) September 18, 2019
More than one person saw a Chernobyl remake in this.
HBO presents... Chernobyl 2: Bull Semen Factory Explosion https://t.co/q6lOm2bsyB— Ben Bowman (@BowmanInc) September 18, 2019
BULL CUM FACTORY WORKER: sir the bull cum is becoming increasingly volatile. we cant continue jerking off their massive hogs at this pace— TORMABLAIEFDHZSJKLNBDSFEJKL PICKASDFJKLFDSNMKOFDSJ (@Tormny_Pickeals) September 18, 2019
MANAGER WITH HANDS TIED DUE TO CAPITALIST PRODUCTION DEMANDS: we have heard your concerns, but we must persist. the investors demand more cum
BULL CUM FACTORY WORKER: the failsafe... it does nothing! the bulls are still cumming! theyve been... edging. not even talking about baseball batting averages is stopping them— TORMABLAIEFDHZSJKLNBDSFEJKL PICKASDFJKLFDSNMKOFDSJ (@Tormny_Pickeals) September 18, 2019
MANAGER [in denial]: no. the banner of the ugly cow has stopped the bull cum. theyre refractory now
Of course, there were puns.
when did the story break? this may be a.... premature evaluation— Tom Kretchmar (@tkretchmar) September 17, 2019
ugh weak F- sorry cancel me
Yesterday I commented on the explosion of bull semen at an artificial insemination factory in Australia by saying "Guess they didn't see that coming!". As luck would have it, only 127 other people from around the world had the exact same response. Amazing coincidence.— Jeff Funnekotter (@jfunne) September 18, 2019
The Epitome Of “Blowing A Load!” - Massive Semen Explosion after Blaze Hits Bull Artificial Insemination Facility, Firefighters Forced to Dodge 'Projectiles' https://t.co/HAkxt7zRkW— C T Shain (@ShainMaine) September 18, 2019
It’s Bull-kkake season. (Bull semen, bukkake)— Cardoski (@Cardoski99) September 18, 2019
Twitter user @jamesgraham drew attention to the amazing coincidence that was the Vagina Museum opening on the very same day.
And finally, @Iheartnoise may have the best take on the entire matter: “The entire 2019 feels like massive semen explosion at the bull factory.”
The entire 2019 feels like massive semen explosion at the bull factory— Imperious Cassette Bureaucracy (@Iheartnoise) September 17, 2019
If you'll ask me...
Big mood @Iheartnoise, big mood.
Siobhan Ball is a historian, archivist, and journalist. She also writes for Autostraddle and bi.org