Hell hath no fury like a woman who receives a totally bizarre breakup gift. Especially if it’s a Vitamix from the corporate lawyer she had a nagging suspicion she shouldn’t have dated all along.
According to the Brooklyn, New York, woman who posted a never-used luxury blender to Craigslist on Wednesday, things didn’t start out so terribly.
In an epic post that reads like a very bleak short story, she explains that sure, he ghosted her after their first date. But, “He has nice hair. He apologizes, claims to hate True Detective, and laughs at all your jokes.”
She elaborates, “He’s kind. Not like other corporate lawyers, you tell your friends, who smile painfully. He wants to leave Wappen & Kladden! He has values! He’s sensitive! You’ve never been happier, and he says he’s never been happier, and for the first time, you know you’re in love.”
Damn, girl. The stories we tell ourselves when we’re giving a turd a chance.
Unfortunately, it all came crashing down when the lovers watched a movie “about the futility of monogamy,” and her beau freaked out. We wonder if it was The Lobster?
Whatever the triggering silverscreen narrative may have been, he lost it: “He’s scared of commitment. The guy who committed to 80-hour work weeks for nebulous reasons is scared of commitment. The guy who asked to meet your family after you said it would be okay to wait, because commitment can be scary, is now scared of commitment.”
OK, we get it dude. You’re a walking cliché. But do you have to be so dramatic about it?
“He comes over in a panic. He’s sad because ‘we used to be so happy.’ He sees you ‘in a negative way’ now. He sometimes even doubts you’re attractive. Because lawyers think it’s important to present all sides of reality. To acknowledge how illusory everything is, even human connection. A corporate lawyer can predict the future from a mile up his own asshole.”
And then—here comes the brutal part—even though lawyer man was clearly upset, he could not own it: “He clearly wants to break up, but makes you do it.”
Oh, hell no.
It gets worse: “It’s the day after your birthday.”
Instead of cutting things off cold turkey, he sent over the one thing that all brokenhearted women yearn for: a Vitamix. “A few days later, this Vitamix arrives at your door. Either he wants you back, or he does not understand the human species,” she writes.
Clearly he does not understand how humans work.
The author of the post admits she did consider going Beyoncé on the thing, “I had fleeting Hollywood fantasies about smashing it in the street, but that’s for waif-bots.”
But ultimately, she thought better of it. “I’m not gonna ruin a perfectly good blender. Yet, sitting on my microwave, it looks exactly like the Wappen & Kladden building. I am afraid of it. Please help me. It’s a certified reconditioned 5200 series.”
Wow. He didn’t even get you a fresh Vitamix? Boy, bye.
The post ends with the simple facts: “It comes in the box with a 5-year warranty and a recipe book. I am also available for dates.”
That’s the attitude. Selling stuff is your best revenge, and maybe even some hot dates.