So there’s this magical subreddit called DirtyR4R where you can shout into the void and hope someone is willing to have sex with you. It’s sort of like the Craigslist personal ads, but for people who actually know how to use the Internet. The majority of posts are from whiny dudes looking to get it in with as little effort as possible, but there’s a whole subculture of… I don’t know, I guess frankness(?) that makes it kind of wonderful.
Reddit allows young men and women to express themselves without any worry of judgement, which on the whole is probably a good thing! However, it also means that some of the most notable requests in the history of online hookups are permanently crystalized for our enjoyment.
Here, then, are some of our absolute favorites.
Swinging for the fences
I don’t know who tkv3123 is, but you have to admire his gusto. “Complete stab in the dark,” he wrote. “I’m from London, and am in Boston for about one week. I’ve got a hotel room with a king size bed which I feel would be wasted if I didn’t have an 8some in it.”
Hey man, you never know. It’s truly inspirational! Most of us would just scroll through Tinder and glumly jerk off. Tkv3123 believed that there was a chance, damn it. The Internet is supposed to empower us all, so why not?
Did it work? Well… “I got several replies. However, of those responses a couple were your typical internet creeps, and a couple more did not exactly suit my taste… The success part comes in as I did have a standard 2some. But alas the dream of an 8some shall wait until another day.”
Shine on, tkv3123, shine on.
It might be time to log off Reddit
I am not a prude—not in the slightest. However, I do believe there are certain red flags you should always be aware of when looking for anonymous sex on the internet. Our girl sawyer_g78 offers a perfect example of stay-away vibes.
Her subject line reads: “FUCK my boyfriend!! Lonely on a FRIDAY NIGHT!!! UGH!” Her message continues: “My boyfriend’s a dick! Snap my anyone?? Please!”
Admittedly, that’s an outstanding post. I like thirsty pleas that seem like they only exist because first-degree murder would be too much of a hassle. You have to appreciate her moxie, but I don’t know if getting involved with sawyer_g78 would lead to a happy ending for anyone involved. Do you really want to become a focal point in this relationship war? You do not.
No punches pulled
The beautiful thing about Reddit is that you don’t have to imply anything. The coded language used by Craigslist cheaters is “discreet.” “Need a discreet hookup!” “Need a discreet lover!” Nah, not here. Seattlewhore registered that username and wrote the following:
“Cheating whore, all holes available for use. Married and looking to be fucked hard by someone 30-50.”
Not a bad first impression! Let’s check the stipulations.
“Must fuck my ass, pussy, and throat, I prefer married men. Gets me hot, must get a hotel room, feel free to talk shit about my husband while plowing my ass.”
You know what? I think that’s kind of wonderful. We do so much posturing in our sex lives that’s positively refreshing that someone is this completely transparent about her explicit desire to destroy the sanctity of her marriage. Subtlety is for chumps.
In it for life
I don’t know what I love most about this. Obviously, it’s a 78-year-old man using Reddit for sex—which is a great start—but it’s also a 78-year-old man with the username Hephaestus653. My dude decided to go with an Olympian Pantheon reference, which makes me very happy.
Also, he’s not trying to bullshit. “At my age, intercourse is not always a reliable activity. But I have always enjoyed going down on a willing, responsive woman. As long as I can masturbate while I lick, I am perfectly happy.”
What a hedonist! This sounds like a man who’s never once questioned what he wants out of life.
“I would love to exchange experiences/stories/fantasies that focus on cunnilingus. I have many real experiences to recount, and some rich fantasies that by no means exclude male participants.”
This is the sort of libertine who’s waited for generations for something like the Web to empower his lust, and now he’s finally got it. Hephaestus, wherever you are, I hope you’re having the weirdest sex of your life.
Actually kind of cute
I don’t want to fixate on this one too much, because it’s adorable and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it, but the earnestness of this subject line just makes me laugh, OK? Here it is:
“Anyone interested in peeing on me?”
That is like the most docile way anyone has asked for pee-play ever! Love it to pieces, and have no doubt she found the pisser of her wettest dreams.
Photo via seeminglee/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0)