“How did she see my tattoo? I covered it with two tank tops!”
“Sara, give up this charade, admit I look like David Bowie, and all will be well again. You could be a hero, just for one day.”
The first night it was actually pretty cool, but now the novelty’s worn off. How did he learn to snore in dubstep?
Duckface girl thought she’d finally found a compatible partner. But maybe he was… too compatible?
“Every part of your genetically inferior body that touches my goddess-shell is like a thousand needles of pain.”
What you don’t see is he’s poking her ass with his finger and pretending it’s his dick.
“Mom and I can’t look each other in the eyes, but I’m gonna get major karma on /r/IAmA.”
Turns out he’s a Christian. She can stay over, but only at the foot of the bed. The bed’s pure white to motivate him to keep it unstained.
They’re not fighting, they’re just having a fart war.
“Well what pattern wouldn’t make my legs look fat, Kenneth?”
Months of couples counseling revealed that their sex life was perfectly fine when she took off her slippers.
Just off-screen are each of their spouses.
“Now you understand why I’m so skittish about anal.”
“Aw, we sneezed at the same time! Hand me your phone, I’m Vining this. Get a sneeze ready.”
This is definitely a pose normal people make ever.
“It’s not you I’m mad at. It’s that some conservative blog is probably going to unsubtly use this photo in a story about the Obamas and it’ll be the only thing anyone tweets about for a week.”
They both submitted this as their senior pic.
“Honey, come to bed, this is not how you write a novel. Oh my god, okay, I’ll teach you tomorrow how to write a novel, Ray. Ray, whatever your personal opinion, Stephanie Meyer probably worked really hard.”
They said you could watch “Adventure Time” with them in bed, not have adventure time. Jesus, man, it’s a kids’ show.
“I want him to undo this ribbon, but he just wants to teach me Beyblades.”
“Yeah, he’s making this toddler-face at me. Well I’m sorry but you’re not 911 you’re 311 so you don’t have more important calls to take.”
She wears lipstick for their fights now. She knows it makes him think he must be wrong.
“It’s pronounced ‘doobluh-entendre’ and tomorrow we’ll ask everyone and you will be so embarrassed.”
“Listen, do I have to smack you? Because I really don’t want to, it makes me uncomfortable. How about if I just bring my hand real close is that… does that get you hot? Honey are you role-playing being frustrated or is this actually you?”
“The Starbucks macchiato is not a real macchiato.”
“Golly gee, how did I get myself into this mess?” asked Spunky Serena, childhood TV star. “I’m already a month late on rent, and the john stiffed me! But if I get a ‘pimp’ he’ll just skim off a ridiculous percentage…”
“He’s seriously never heard of Google Finance. How the fuck is he making this much in capital gains?”
She can’t force him to not wear his work shirt to bed. But she’s pretty sure he hasn’t taken it off in three days, and she’s gonna give up a lot sooner than he will.
“Lifestreaming? What the hell kind of a career is lifestreaming?”
“Oh my god, I fucked Downs Syndrome Tom Cruise.”
By Nick Douglas