23 replacements for Google’s ‘Don’t be evil’ motto

In a recent interview with the Financial Times, Google cofounder and CEO Larry Page expressed the need, a decade after its initial public offering, to expand and refine the company’s mission statement. But what of their official mantra—“Don’t be evil”?

The phrase still appears atop the “Code of Conduct” section of Google’s “Investor Relations” guide, but we think it’s high time that too was replaced with something befitting a tech giant that wields unprecedented influence over the planet and its future. Below we offer a few forward-thinking though humble pitches, from ourselves and around the Twitterverse.

1) “Just be glad we haven’t doxed you yet.”

2) “Remember Google Buzz?”

3) “Not secretly implanting RFID chips in humans since, like, 2011 or so.”

4)

5) “Your girlfriend is mad that you sent her birthday party invite out on Google+, but has she even tried to figure out how ‘Circles’ work? #smh.”

6) “Under no circumstances should you deactivate your webcam.”

7) “Because Bing is only good for porn.”

8)

9) “Gentlemen: to evil! [champagne emoji]”

10) “Only 5 million email passwords leaked to Russian Bitcoin forums so far.”

11) “Uh, look out behind you.”

12)

13) “In response to a complaint we received under the US Digital Millennium Copyright Act, we have ceased to exist.”

14) Nice rack.”

15) “It’s 10pm. Do you know where your data is?”

16)

17) “Here, let us depressingly autocomplete that for you.”

18) “Dink thifferent.”

19) Pay no attention to Europe.”

20)

21) “Rich people think we’re going to make them immortal.

22) “Yeah, but Facebook is worse.”

23) “Don’t act like you have a choice.”

Photo via velvettangerine (CC BY 2.0) | Remix by Jason Reed

Miles Klee

Miles Klee

Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions,  and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'