These elderly, church-going women are my new best friends on Weird Twitter
Weird Twitter is a thing that exists. “If you don’t know,” unfortunately there’s actually nothing I can tell you that will sufficiently describe Weird Twitter in a way that could allow me to end this sentence with “now you know.” It’s true.
Even the New Yorker tried to put its finger on the pulse of this phenomenon, and failed kind of miserably. But basically (watch me fail here), Weird Twitter is, by most accounts, inexplicable bits of outré, out-of-context genius from (hopefully) anthropormorphized conceptual personalities (?). They’re sometimes brilliant, sometimes irreverent, sometimes facepalm-batshit-insane, but always weird as balls (and awesome, because of it).
So it comes as no surprise that Weird Twitter’s latest Internet-humor-defying, crowd-concocted amalgamation is a network of profiles belonging to a bunch of elderly, church-going, vaguely right-wing, but intentionally racist AND unintentionally homophobic women (and possibly a few men), whose banal musings about what to bake prior to Sunday mix with basic Twitter/Internet deficiency, a propensity for the Lord, wholesome pop star/good Christian girl Katy Perry, Satan Lady Gaga, and the occasional deep delve into Internet-culture-based hip hop. I’m not joking. And I’m assuming (hoping), based on that, that this bit hasn’t been done before. But then again, it’s the internet.
According to my best guess, there are between six and 40 or more of these “women.” My official “My Church Group” Twitter list has 47 members. Some are more active than others. Not one is any less intriguing, informative, spiritually guiding than the next.
Peggy Ross, Betsy Reynolds and Barbera Lloyd appear to be the ringleaders of this week-by-week bake-a-thon/geriatric shit-talking fest, with the more recent help of a few additional characters. Altogether, there’s Peggy, Betsy, Barb, Margrett, Gloria, Dorothy, Agnes, Darlene, Beatrice, Deleta, Evlin, Tanya, Cathy, Dorthea, Maxie, Pat, Edith, Shirley, Barb (2), Annie, Ethel, Jane, Soléne, Sandra, and a shit-ton more (pardon me for the swearing, ladies) far below the endless scroll of the Internet’s Twitter dot com.
Seriously, these ladies are amazing. Here’s a bit more context, told in the only way imaginable—their own words.
They met at church.
@Barbera_Loyd hello barb this Betsy from church
— Betsy (@BetsyReynolds_) February 21, 2014
@Barbera_Loyd Hello Barbera it is me Linda from church service.
— Linda Thompson (@LindaThompson_) February 20, 2014
@PeggyRoss_ hi I go to church with u
— Darleen (@Darleen_Wit_) March 31, 2014
They’re not good at it, but they’re fascinated with The Twitter.
I really like this internet people are being nice to me. — Linda Thompson (@LindaThompson_) February 21, 2014
follow me,,,, laugh out loud!!1 — Darleen (@Darleen_Wit_) March 31, 2014
number sign suspend peggy — Betsy (@BetsyReynolds_) March 27, 2014
What does the star do? — Peggy (@PeggyRoss_) April 6, 2014
How do I transfer a picture from a camera to my Twitter?? — Peggy (@PeggyRoss_) April 5, 2014
Too blessed to be stressed amen
— Margrett Lee (@margrett_lee) March 20, 2014
God is my number one can’t wait for church
— Evlin Ore (@EvlinOre_) March 30, 2014
They love “good Christian girl” Katy Perry.
Ok, they don’t like Katy Perry anymore.
Hate that new Katy Perry song about Birthday S*x. so vile.
— Peggy (@PeggyRoss_) April 8, 2014
The radio just played a song about Katy perries dark horse I have called to have it shut down and taken the infected radio out of my car
— Evlin Ore (@EvlinOre_) April 8, 2014
I am NOT a racist. I love the blacks!!! I always thought Martin Luthor King was hot
— Peggy (@PeggyRoss_) April 5, 2014
Who invented gay
— Tanya (@TanyaGardenGirl) March 25, 2014
@slaythisway When I say NIGGER, I mean friend.
— Peggy (@PeggyRoss_) April 4, 2014
But they’re REALLY ’bout that church life.
i feel like pastor tom and everybody else at church really enjoyed my performance of “I kissed a girl” by Katie perry
— Betsy (@BetsyReynolds_) April 6, 2014
God wants to fuck me.
— Tanya (@TanyaGardenGirl) March 15, 2014
Sex is fun but being holy is funner!
— Beatrice Foster (@beatrice_f0ster) February 25, 2014
turn down for church!
— Betsy (@BetsyReynolds_) April 5, 2014
And they’re actually ’bout that life in general.
The only d I want is dessert.
— Margrett Lee (@margrett_lee) April 6, 2014
Dan has me feeling some type of way.
— Margrett Lee (@margrett_lee) March 24, 2014
They’re my new best friends.
Lucas Shanks is a writer, editor and creative in New York City. Follow him on Twitter @lucasshanks, even though he’s kind of weird on there.
Illustration by Jason Reed