When it comes to social statistics—the mystical art of interpreting the scattered droppings of pageviews, influence, followers, trends, reach, and the rest of the murky mire—we simply can’t get enough. Even if we don’t know what to do with it once we have it, or how to get the muck off afterwards.

Now the necromancers of the net have a new tool in their kit: Your Social Colonic. Created for Social Media Week Singapore by ad agency Iris, Social Colonic is ready to get down and dirty with your social-media nitty gritty.

Examine your fundamentals by going right to the root of things; Social Colonic analyzes your Facebook friends to find out which are most and least toxic, breaking them out into different categories of noxiousness: emo, self-likers, the super-needy, and other instantly recognizable spreaders of social-media toxicity.

For a turd-metaphor-based Web app, it’s startlingly accurate. (Except for the fact that it ranked my boss as Most Emo and recommended I defriend him; sorry, boss.)

It’s even guaranteed. Sort of.

“The following service is based on speculation and proven Random Social Science techniques that we cannot even understand. Please consult your friends before taking any action. P.S. We are not doctors.”

As it roots through your friends, you get amusing updates, such as “We are going deep into your colon...is this the final frontier? gerbils? really???”

Time to cleanse.