Start ’em, sit ’em, and other fantasy football advice.
It’s Week 12 and I’ve decided to quit fantasy football for good. It’s over this time. I can’t take it any longer. How long can I care about something that doesn’t matter? Teams whimsically trading out running backs and letting wide receivers throw fucking passes. The isolationism and absurdity sinking me to the darkest depths of the deepest ocean, as I slowly metamorphose into a giant crustacean with Jameis Winston’s head.
It begs the question: Why play?
— Dexter's Library (@Dexters_Library) November 17, 2019
Because there’s nothing else to do? Has the exhaustive ennui of my mundane life finally given way to madness? Chasing after this meaningless dream. Something that acknowledges no past. That ignores me as if I am the RB, for do I matter?
I hate to belabor the point, but why play?
I’m sure you have your reasons, but the only one for me right now is Lamar Jackson. He is singlehandedly holding the thread of the gold blanket which, if pulled, would reveal my loins and my soul. And so we play on.
But, again, at some point should Bill O’Brien get fired or what? That may not have lacked a nuanced segue, because it did. You see, I just thought of how much BOB is the actual worst leader in all of America. His Texans didn’t show up to Baltimore last week and the game of the week was over in the first quarter.
Bill O'Brien is the worst leader in America.
— Dexter's Library (@Dexters_Library) November 17, 2019
I feel somewhat purged, so let’s get moving here. The waiver wire continues to be more worthless than O’Brien’s playbook. (Thanks a pant load, Brian Hill.)
This week let’s take a swing at Gus Edwards. Think about how mediocre Mark Ingram has truly been on the ground. He had two TDs through the air this week. Obviously he’s going to be involved. But if Edwards is fresher there might be some opportunity down the line. Who knows? Don’t pretend as if you do.
Let’s see if this gets more lighthearted as we go along. Here’s your Week 12 smoke ’em, pass ’em.
David Carr at New York Jets: 25-29-292-1 is impressive for Carr but is less impressive when it’s at home against the Bungals. They won and that’s all that matters to these fantasy-ignoring, selfish teams these days. The Jets, who suddenly look less terrible than usual, might force the Raiders into pressing more. This will hopefully include Carr having to chuck it instead of leaning on Josh Jacobs. Do you see how narratives work? Telling yourself stories, even when they’re not true, is a dangerous habit.
Baker Mayfield vs. Miami: Josh Allen carved this secondary up for three TD passes and one on the ground. Mayfield is coming off one of his best starts of the year and gets 10 days to prepare. This is the time if there’s ever been one. The hyperbole has always been ripe with this one, but let’s be honest if he’s terrible against the Dolphins can he ever be good against anyone else?
Jaylen Samuels at Cincinnati: James Conner continues to deal with a shoulder injury. Without Conner, Samuels is a must-start. It’s been a mixed bag for Samuels but he’s had 26 targets in three games. Only 27 carries over that stretch, but Cinci should provide more opportunity. There are very few things more pleasurable than watching the Steelers lose. The only thing more joyous would be hearing that Ben Roethlisberger had gone bankrupt and fallen down a well.
Tevin Coleman vs. Green Bay: He had 12 carries for 14 yards against Arizona. These numbers are egregiously—Ballageously, if you will—shameful. But Green Bay gives up 126 yards a game. Matt Breida and George Kittle back in the lineup should help. The hope, too, is Green Bay can move the ball forcing Coleman into a passing role. This game was flexed to the late game. And there are high hopes it’s watchable since 75% of games should closed to the public and blacked out on TV. My wife had to hook me up to the Clockwork Orange eye-opener to watch part of the Bears-Rams game. We usually only use that in the bedroom.
D.J. Chark at Tennessee: Nick Foles is back and apparently he realized what Gardner Minshew taught all of us: Charknado has teeth. Fifteen targets ending with 8-104-2. If this continues this is going to be fun to watch. But we’ve thought this before, haven’t we? Consistency among second- and third-tier players is at an all-time low, like confidence in the Bears kicker.
Michael Gallup at New England: Stupid suggestion, right? I don’t know. Carson Wentz looks like he has Gronk Syphilis in his arm, so don’t be scared off by New England stifling him. Dak Prescott looks like he’s playing to spite Jerry Jones, which might be the greatest reason to ever tie on cleats. Gallup had 13 targets against Detroit, totaling 29 in the last three. Chase the targets. I’m working on a theory that Bill Belichick has actually ruined the game of football. This defensive revolution, confusing these halfwit quarterbacks, stunting and out-scheming offensive lines, and ultimately smothering fantasy production is all Bill’s fault. Tom Brady has basically turned into Peyton Manning with less forehead. Pass me that remote control. And the bowl. The bowl, too.
Jacob Hollister at Philadelphia: Who are these tight ends who are like Mickey Mouse’s Fantasia brooms? Hollister attended Arizona Western College, a JUCO in Yuma, Arizona. He ended up transferring to Wyoming University. He caught on with the New England Patriots. The Seahawks traded a seventh-round 2020 draft pick for Jacob. He has a twin brother, Cody, who plays for the Titans. He has a nice jab step to set up breaks on 45-degree routes. I couldn’t find his dog’s name, though.
Carson Wentz vs. Seattle: It’s difficult to type right now. Who knew vomit was so sticky? He hasn’t thrown more than one TD in a month of Sundays, which is both an idiom and an actual statistic. I only watched the first quarter of the Patriots and Eagles game. Wentz dropped back and missed a wide-open streaking receiver (coulda been an RB, who the hell even plays for this team?). I turned it off. But it was enough to know that I don’t want Wentz even against Seattle.
Kyle Allen at New Orleans: Last week I recklessly told you to start him at home against a weak Atlanta defense. He threw for 325 yards but four picks and no TDs. The interceptions were more confusing than Panthers fans anointing Allen as Cam Newton’s successor three games into his tenure. The worst part of all this is Christian McCaffrey is going to be wasted on this roster over the next couple of years. Then he’ll sprain his ankle and never be the same. So much for more positivity.
Brian Hill vs. Tampa Bay: Another player I have to apologize for. Maybe I’m just not good at this? The key is I never claimed I was. You’re just very bored and depressed. Go outside.
It's a player's right not to care about fantasy football, but 15 carries for 30 yards? The NFL means Not For Long with those stats, bub.
— Dexter's Library (@Dexters_Library) November 18, 2019
Sony Michel vs. Dallas: What do you think you could do with more frequency?
A) Guess the winning MegaMillions numbers three weeks in a row.
B) Predict the price of Bitcoin to the penny at the close of every day for a month.
C) Guess when this New England RB situation is anything but a Belichickian nightmare where CrustJameis devours the corpses of fantasy footballers.
D.J. Moore at New Orleans: Between me, you, and Kyle Allen, who do you think would be a better QB in this situation? You probably don’t have many other better options. But maybe you’d guess right on Zach Pascal? Blaise Pascal, staring at his roster, mumbled, “The eternal silence of these infinite spaces fills me with dread.”
Robby Anderson vs. Oakland: Don’t willingly walk into shitty situations. It’s a dangerous habit.
Gerald Everett vs. Baltimore: Why have you abandoned me when I needed you most? Perhaps it was foolish of me to believe in something so fleeting, so utterly meaningless.