Your guide to the worst f**king hats on Instagram

It’s so easy to fall down Instagram rabbit holes. We’ve proven this time and time again, scrolling through Las Vegas, funeral, and night shift hashtags. Those are all great, but I tend to prefer something a little more mundane.

Everybody in the world is carrying around a camera in their pocket, and that has given rise to a very awful tradition. You’ve seen this play out dozens of times: Human being sees hat, human being puts on hat, human being takes a selfie.

I don’t know why, but images of ourselves under slightly esoteric headwear give meaning to the universal condition, and I postulated that there are millions and millions of pictures of men and women staring directly into the camera with some sort of sad hat on their head. I was totally right. Here are some of them.

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This is a real Instagram caption: “It’s a #porkpiehat. To the you need to #mindyourbusiness people that are going to comment, isn’t that a fedora? No it’s not.” How can one person be so defensive about their choice of hat? Are fedoras so culturally verboten that the youth of the world need to strictly identify with other headwear? Is this like being a Breeders fan but not a Pixies fan? I’m very confused.

So apparently it’s called a flat cap—who knew?

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Bless chubbyalexx’s heart, I hope he finds all the happiness in the world. As someone who was also once a teenager who wanted to look like Beck, I too wore a trilby that looked weird on me. Our boy has combatted this problem expertly by taking a selfie that barely features the hat at all. The caption is “like my Christmas present?” Well, clearly you’re not sure if you do. Don’t worry kid, it gets better.

2010 #tb#lda#tophat#bogota

A photo posted by Johann Daccarett (@johanndaccarett) on

My man, you have tagged this as “top hat.” What kind of fool do you take me for? Is your lackadaisical approach to your hair and posture reflective in your blasé, distorted headwear categories? This is a fedora at best

I’m not mad, just disappointed.

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I like that this man tagged his photo with “king hat,” because this may literally be the only time that designation is appropriate. This is the closest you can get to a crown without it being a crown, right? KING HAT.

Yo #Selfie #beanie #nose

A photo posted by Mark J Robson (@mrakrosbon) on

Hey guys, it’s me! #Dude #Selfie #Beanie #LipPiercing #AvengedSevenfold #Whatahunk

A photo posted by Joe Shipton (@joe_shipton94) on

OK, why does every dude who takes a picture with a beanie look so sad? Is it impossible to smile while wearing a beanie? Is it because when you open your camera and see yourself looking stupid in a beanie you can no longer muster even the faint memory of joy? Actually, you know what? That’s probably it. Mystery solved.

I like Instagram (and social media in general) because it occasionally forces you to confront how the rest of the world works. I am a degenerate nerd who has been drinking out of the same plastic red cup for the past three days. But maybe, in another life, I could be just like John Ashy in Galveston. Taking the boat out on a weekend with real-life friends and doing something wackylike, buying a couple coonskin caps from the general store!

Still my favorite part of this post is the bottom comment: “What’s w the hats???” In a certain world, wearing a funny hat is the most transgressive thing anyone can do. Sounds like paradise.

Photo via Heather/Flickr

Luke Winkie

Luke Winkie

Entertainment and sports reporter Luke Winkie has written everywhere from A.V Club to Vice, including Sports Illustrated, Rolling Stone, Kotaku, Playboy, Mel, and Polygon.