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In the past, internet villain Martin Shkreli has typically been the guy asking for money. He wanted money when he infamously hiked the price of his AIDS drug by 5,000 percent. He wanted money for his crappy art. He wanted money for the privilege of punching him in the face. And he (allegedly) wanted money when he (allegedly) committed securities fraud.
But now he’s ready to give back.
Happy hour drinks are on Martin?! This is an opportunity you simply can’t pass up. Please attend this “fan meetup” and do one of the following:
- Order a bloody Mary and spill it directly in Martin’s lap.
- Order a bottle of ridiculously expensive champagne, take one sip, and say you’re cutting yourself off because you actually have to drive.
- Insist on literally everyone doing Jägerbombs. Repeat till puking.
- Convince people that “Grey Goose and Stoli” is the new hot cocktail.
- Keep asking Martin why he didn’t take you to a nicer bar.
- Propose a toast “to never knowing the embrace of a woman.”
- Wear a Guy Fawkes mask and refuse to identify yourself.
If you follow any one of these simple rules, you should manage to turn an otherwise insufferable event into a gathering that—oh, never mind:
Hmmm. I guess in this case you can just stay home and bitch on Twitter.
Gosh, what a mess. But never fear! Dear Martin has brokered a solution.
Happy Friday, lads.
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'