The Internet pretty much flipped out when McDonald’s unveiled the new Hamburglar today, with his well-groomed beard and beefy arms. Thirstiness was all around.
I have a lot of regrets in life but one the biggest is the 45 seconds I just spent googling "the new hamburglar"
— Mike Wiebe (@mikewiebe) May 6, 2015
I'd give the new hamburglar my real number. I'm feeling that beard.
— LPB (@74inchesoflady) May 6, 2015
If you need me I'll be over in the corner grappling with the realization that I'm attracted to the new Hamburglar pic.twitter.com/lSTpOnkI1R
— elizabeth warren’s antifa buddy (@lauxvega) May 6, 2015
half my timeline is like, "hamburglar could get it."
— Andréa López (@bluechoochoo) May 6, 2015
But screw that guy, he looks like any other tool on Tinder—ready to take you out for drinks, only to ghost out of existence later that week.
Thankfully, there’s a plethora of other eligible bachelors and bachelorettes for the picking. Check out who we’d swipe left into the Tinder wasteland and who we’d swipe right and hope for a message from.
Jack from Jack in the Box: Swipe Left
The answer is pretty obvious. Jack most definitely has a butterface—why else would he be wearing that ginormous bulb mask? He’s like the Slender Man of fast food. His curly fries may be the best in the land, but I’m going to have to pass on Jack.
The Star from Carl’s Jr.: Swipe Right
Just look at that sly little smile! He definitely has some tricks up his golden sleeve. I just want him to wrap his five points arounds my body and whisper sweet nothings into my ear. A general rule for me is that I only date stars, even if that means he is indeed an actual star.
Colonel Sanders from Kentucky Fried Chicken: Swipe Left
OK, so there something alluring about getting with a Silver Fox. I mean, look at Anderson Cooper. But I’m uncertain if Colonel Sanders is the gray-haired older man I’ve been looking for. At least he has some other cock to tend to, slaughter, then deep-fry to keep him busy.
The Siren from Starbucks: Swipe Right
I’ve never been with a mermaid before, but I guess I’d be down to try that out. I’m sure she knows how to get wet.
Jared from Subway: Swipe Left
Standing at 6’2″, Jared is the perfect height. But I really couldn’t deal with having to eat healthy all the time. I can’t imagine being on the couch after a long day at work and trying to eat a slab of ribs with a side of loaded mashed potatoes with Jared lecturing me about all the calories—total nightmare. Also, if we ended up working out long-term, I don’t love the ring of “Gabe Fogle.”
Chuck E. Cheese from Chuck E. Cheese: Swipe Right
So I’m not usually into rats, but there’s something charming about this little rodent. He’s sort of like that dirty artist (like literally dirty, with bad hygiene and in need of several showers) you hook up with in college whose room turns out to be pure garbage—but you stay the night anyway. Only that night, however: You flee in the morning, treating his trash-filled room as a field of land mines, scared that accidentally stepping on a Ritz cracker wrapper or bumping into a Domino’s pizza box might wake him up.
Long John Silver from Long John Silver’s: Swipe Left
Shiver me timbers, sailors are definitely sexy. But there’s that risk of scurvy if he asks me to go on a long journey at sea with him, and I’m not about that life.
Little Caesar from Little Caesars Pizza: Swipe Left
So Caesar might have the super trendy #dadbod and will bring me hot! hot! hot! pizza with cheesy sticks whenever I want it, but I’m concerned about his friends. Little Brutus is mad shady, and I don’t trust him, nor do I want to be around him. Sorry, Caesar.
Wendy from Wendy’s: Swipe Right
She makes redheads look good. And she’s mad chill, having to deal with all these other dicks in the fast food industry. This chick is the true bae, would put a ring on it ASAP.
The Burger King from Burger King: Swipe Right
Something about him screams “plastic,” but at least I know he’d treat me like the queen that I am. And look at that damn royal physique. I ain’t saying I’m a gold-digger, but I am absolutely a gold-digger and would love to inherit Burger King’s realm once he passes.
Photos via Mike Mozart/Flickr (CC BY 2.0), Garry Knight/Flickr (CC BY 2.0), anna Hanks/Flickr (CC BY 2.0), terren in Virginia/Flickr (CC BY 2.0), Keenan Pepper/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0), John Mettraux/Flickr (CC BY 2.0), Thirteen Of Clubs/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0)