Tweets. Tuites. Toots. They’re short, and most of them are bad. In 2016, there were more bad ones than ever. Just the worst. Twitter has evolved into a kneejerk outrage generator, and it finally got a chance to test its weaponized Hot Take technology on a presidential election between the two least-liked candidates in recent history. The results were breathtakingly awful.
But, there were some tiny, glimmering pinpricks in the shroud of depression and misery that is Twitter, little lights of joy or snark that kept us from deleting our accounts. Some of them were the abstract meme artworks of Da Share z0ne. Most of them were, if we’re being honest, pics of Libby Watson’s cat, Digby.
A small and glorious number, however, were just, like… good jokes. Little things we could laugh at instead of burning down our homes for the insurance money. Here are 50 of them. This is the list. You may be thinking “There were other good tweets, though!” No. Stop. This is the list.
Goodnight, 2016 Twitter. Log off forever.
https://twitter.com/jovialpunk/status/710568819186601984
https://twitter.com/mollysavage/status/716752880716419073
https://twitter.com/bea_ker/status/717569288668733442
herb_saint/Twitter
https://twitter.com/vineyille/status/720253720764801028
Dipetizers—appetizers that eat like diapers. Dipe up!™ pic.twitter.com/wzz6Z7SKoy
— Neven Mrgan (@mrgan) April 16, 2016
Nicolas Winding Refn at Starbucks: A Short Story
— C.J. Prince (@cj_prin) June 22, 2016
Barista: One mocha frap for *looks at cup, sighs* “The Visionary Director of ‘Drive'”
♬ clowns to the left of me
— daniel chamberlain (@amfmpm) July 3, 2016
jokers to the right
HERE I AM
between the jokers and clowns ♬
truly, digimon is the vanguard here, the subversive complementary critque; as we say “kant avec sade,” we might say “pokemon avec digimon”
— michael “cohost.org/lutz” lutz (@WarrenIsDead) July 11, 2016
DEMOCRATS: Your stocks are safe with us in charge.
— The Artist Formerly Known As Richard Pictures (@doctorveritas) July 26, 2016
PEOPLE: We don’t have any.
DEMOCRATS: Oh, cool, I learned about you guys in undergrad.
https://twitter.com/IsNajmi/status/759619292476223488
they’re good dogs Brent
— WeRateDogs (@dog_rates) September 12, 2016
A: Your greatest weakness?
— Gary 鯨理／경리 Illyes (so official, trust me) (@methode) August 24, 2016
B: Interpreting semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics
A: Could you give an example?
B: Yes, I could
https://twitter.com/pillowfort/status/783336429548101633
10 months ago we had steve gawker, bob pepe and johnny covertly racist electorate. now we have no gawker, no pepes and a rising white suprem
— knife (@knifedog311) November 9, 2016
https://twitter.com/kibblesmith/status/784985960631205888
A Vine is a short video that requires 3 clicks to start and between 7-10 clicks to stop playing. It usually features someone screaming.
— drewtoothpaste.bsky.social (@drewtoothpaste) September 9, 2016
bröther may i have some öats pic.twitter.com/je2HIEaPpB
— dorian “moved to bsky” scar 🧛🩸 (@dorianscary) October 11, 2016
Regret to inform that I cannot see the Trump tweets you’re referring to, as I am blocked by the fucking President of the United States.
— David Roth (@david_j_roth) November 16, 2016
https://twitter.com/DinkMagic/status/799137216995987456
Basketball is a turn based strategy game in which teams attempt to damage a hoop with long distance projectile attacks or devastating melee
— we (@kanwetwitty) November 17, 2016
‘We’re gonna build a fourth wall, folks, and make the Brechtians pay for it’ pic.twitter.com/wVtlofz3g0
— Jeremy Noel-Tod (@jntod) November 19, 2016
https://twitter.com/magicChopstick/status/800761926196162560
https://twitter.com/VegetarianArms/status/805904696753999873
https://twitter.com/mutablejoe/status/806059442571714560
https://twitter.com/kittaveli/status/757037728085188608
These the boots that’s already in ya inventory when ya start the RPG https://t.co/vuOX6P11wQ
— Gyarados Equis (@PokemonyeWest) December 9, 2016
https://twitter.com/pillowfort/status/809195436821151744
i’m dying at this picture. the level of disrespect from the cat to lie down on your pizza is unfathomable pic.twitter.com/6yzMkMKfg6
— Robby Kalland (@RKalland) June 9, 2016
https://twitter.com/freecialis/status/735592641434247168
https://twitter.com/merrittk/status/775190950511607808
https://twitter.com/thwphipps/status/810197302312837120
i’m sick of how millennials are always eating breakfast instead of buying houses at the income to house price ratios from 50 years ago
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) October 15, 2016
https://twitter.com/laureneoneal/status/728368940804530179
did…did he make the sign? pic.twitter.com/XXmuHfTIoA
— Anthony Oliveira (@meakoopa) September 22, 2016
normal @ replies: fammm 😂😂 this is so me
— we (@kanwetwitty) November 28, 2016
My @ replies: Source for your claim that “pee pee is poo poo’s son”?
“I think you know why I pulled you over. What’s your name, son?”
— Justin Morissette 👊🏻 (@JustinMoris) November 25, 2016
“Uhhhh…” [looks at odometer] pic.twitter.com/cfLpAbbgur
The Twitter experience perfectly encapsulated in two tweets pic.twitter.com/Sz2PxhXbUH
— robmanuel (@robmanuel) November 10, 2016
Woke up pissed off about the word “ooey” again. This word is only ever attached to “gooey” and does not modify it. Fuck off “ooey”
— drewtoothpaste.bsky.social (@drewtoothpaste) November 2, 2016
i didn’t know that the office halloween party had an “occupations” theme pic.twitter.com/4Nv6ZZg5FM
— leon (@leyawn) October 28, 2016
the turkey takes his mask off
— sarah jeong (@sarahjeong) November 24, 2016
it’s edward snowden
obama groans, it’s too late to unpardon him now
in tolstoy’s war and peace, the war supporters are analogous to team jacob, whilst those who support peace are more similar to team edward
— ringworm (@prawn_meat) October 5, 2016
https://twitter.com/jordansarge/status/763412019928264704
if your genre ends in -core,
— ۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗSwinby (verıfied) (@dudeswinburne) June 19, 2016
then it’s guitars you’ll have in store
but if -wave is the at the end
you’ll hear synths, my friend
I find it kind of funny
— John E. Cakes (@mattytalks) June 16, 2016
I find it kind of sad
A gator eats a baby
And you go in on his dad pic.twitter.com/EVOj8zx5ft
That’s exactly right, Siri. I DID want to know how much a gallon of the movie “Milk” costs. pic.twitter.com/EZZdeIihbO
— Scott Simpson (@scottsimpson) May 22, 2016
“la de dah i sing on broadway and i’m gonna stay on me dollar” keep talkin. you ol hair-gelled-winklevoss lookin ass pic.twitter.com/yAxasngrOG
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) April 23, 2016
https://twitter.com/MrPhetz/status/718563421050941441
his palms are sweaty
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 24, 2016
knees weak
arms are heavy
there’s pic.twitter.com/wTjpK19Kub
https://twitter.com/Ulillillysses/status/723476137830014976
if you watch twitter backwards, it’s about a bunch of sad people tweeting less and less until they’re happy again
— nevona (@nevona) March 4, 2016
