The definitive list of 2016’s best tweets—don’t @ us

Tweets. Tuites. Toots. They’re short, and most of them are bad. In 2016, there were more bad ones than ever. Just the worst. Twitter has evolved into a kneejerk outrage generator, and it finally got a chance to test its weaponized Hot Take technology on a presidential election between the two least-liked candidates in recent history. The results were breathtakingly awful. 

But, there were some tiny, glimmering pinpricks in the shroud of depression and misery that is Twitter, little lights of joy or snark that kept us from deleting our accounts. Some of them were the abstract meme artworks of Da Share z0ne. Most of them were, if we’re being honest, pics of Libby Watson’s cat, Digby. 

A small and glorious number, however, were just, like… good jokes. Little things we could laugh at instead of burning down our homes for the insurance money. Here are 50 of them. This is the list. You may be thinking “There were other good tweets, though!” No. Stop. This is the list. 

Goodnight, 2016 Twitter. Log off forever. 

https://twitter.com/jovialpunk/status/710568819186601984

https://twitter.com/mollysavage/status/716752880716419073

https://twitter.com/bea_ker/status/717569288668733442

herb_saint/Twitter

https://twitter.com/vineyille/status/720253720764801028

Dipetizers—appetizers that eat like diapers. Dipe up!™ pic.twitter.com/wzz6Z7SKoy

— Neven Mrgan (@mrgan) April 16, 2016

Nicolas Winding Refn at Starbucks: A Short Story

Barista: One mocha frap for *looks at cup, sighs* "The Visionary Director of 'Drive'"

— C.J. Prince (@cj_prin) June 22, 2016

♬ clowns to the left of me
jokers to the right
HERE I AM
between the jokers and clowns ♬

— daniel chamberlain (@amfmpm) July 3, 2016

truly, digimon is the vanguard here, the subversive complementary critque; as we say "kant avec sade," we might say "pokemon avec digimon"

— michael "cohost.org/lutz" lutz (@WarrenIsDead) July 11, 2016

DEMOCRATS: Your stocks are safe with us in charge.
PEOPLE: We don't have any.
DEMOCRATS: Oh, cool, I learned about you guys in undergrad.

— The Artist Formerly Known As Richard Pictures (@doctorveritas) July 26, 2016

https://twitter.com/IsNajmi/status/759619292476223488

they're good dogs Brent

— WeRateDogs (@dog_rates) September 12, 2016

A: Your greatest weakness?
B: Interpreting semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics
A: Could you give an example?
B: Yes, I could

— Gary 鯨理／경리 Illyes (so official, trust me) (@methode) August 24, 2016

https://twitter.com/pillowfort/status/783336429548101633

10 months ago we had steve gawker, bob pepe and johnny covertly racist electorate. now we have no gawker, no pepes and a rising white suprem

— knife (@knifedog311) November 9, 2016

https://twitter.com/kibblesmith/status/784985960631205888

A Vine is a short video that requires 3 clicks to start and between 7-10 clicks to stop playing. It usually features someone screaming.

— drewtoothpaste.bsky.social (@drewtoothpaste) September 9, 2016

bröther may i have some öats pic.twitter.com/je2HIEaPpB

— dorian “hire me” scar 🧐 (@dorianscary) October 11, 2016

Regret to inform that I cannot see the Trump tweets you're referring to, as I am blocked by the fucking President of the United States.

— David Roth (@david_j_roth) November 16, 2016

https://twitter.com/DinkMagic/status/799137216995987456

Basketball is a turn based strategy game in which teams attempt to damage a hoop with long distance projectile attacks or devastating melee

— we (@kanwetwitty) November 17, 2016

'We're gonna build a fourth wall, folks, and make the Brechtians pay for it' pic.twitter.com/wVtlofz3g0

— Jeremy Noel-Tod (@jntod) November 19, 2016

https://twitter.com/magicChopstick/status/800761926196162560

https://twitter.com/VegetarianArms/status/805904696753999873

https://twitter.com/mutablejoe/status/806059442571714560

https://twitter.com/kittaveli/status/757037728085188608

These the boots that's already in ya inventory when ya start the RPG https://t.co/vuOX6P11wQ

— Gyarados Equis (@PokemonyeWest) December 9, 2016

https://twitter.com/pillowfort/status/809195436821151744

i'm dying at this picture. the level of disrespect from the cat to lie down on your pizza is unfathomable pic.twitter.com/6yzMkMKfg6

— Robby Kalland (@RKalland) June 9, 2016

https://twitter.com/freecialis/status/735592641434247168

https://twitter.com/merrittk/status/775190950511607808

https://twitter.com/thwphipps/status/810197302312837120

i'm sick of how millennials are always eating breakfast instead of buying houses at the income to house price ratios from 50 years ago

— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) October 15, 2016

https://twitter.com/laureneoneal/status/728368940804530179

did…did he make the sign? pic.twitter.com/XXmuHfTIoA

— Anthony Oliveira (@meakoopa) September 22, 2016

normal @ replies: fammm 😂😂 this is so me
My @ replies: Source for your claim that "pee pee is poo poo's son"?

— we (@kanwetwitty) November 28, 2016

"I think you know why I pulled you over. What's your name, son?"
"Uhhhh…" [looks at odometer] pic.twitter.com/cfLpAbbgur

— Justin Morissette 👊🏻 (@JustinMoris) November 25, 2016

The Twitter experience perfectly encapsulated in two tweets pic.twitter.com/Sz2PxhXbUH

— Rob Manuel 🍳 (@robmanuel) November 10, 2016

Woke up pissed off about the word "ooey" again. This word is only ever attached to "gooey" and does not modify it. Fuck off "ooey"

— drewtoothpaste.bsky.social (@drewtoothpaste) November 2, 2016

i didn't know that the office halloween party had an "occupations" theme pic.twitter.com/4Nv6ZZg5FM

— leon (@leyawn) October 28, 2016

the turkey takes his mask off
it's edward snowden
obama groans, it's too late to unpardon him now

— sarah jeong (@sarahjeong) November 24, 2016

in tolstoy's war and peace, the war supporters are analogous to team jacob, whilst those who support peace are more similar to team edward

— ringworm (@prawn_meat) October 5, 2016

https://twitter.com/jordansarge/status/763412019928264704

if your genre ends in -core,
then it's guitars you'll have in store
but if -wave is the at the end
you'll hear synths, my friend

— ۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗۗSwinby (verıfied) (@dudeswinburne) June 19, 2016

I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
A gator eats a baby
And you go in on his dad pic.twitter.com/EVOj8zx5ft

— John E. Cakes (@mattytalks) June 16, 2016

That's exactly right, Siri. I DID want to know how much a gallon of the movie "Milk" costs. pic.twitter.com/EZZdeIihbO

— Scott Simpson (@scottsimpson) May 22, 2016

"la de dah i sing on broadway and i'm gonna stay on me dollar" keep talkin. you ol hair-gelled-winklevoss lookin ass pic.twitter.com/yAxasngrOG

— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) April 23, 2016

https://twitter.com/MrPhetz/status/718563421050941441

his palms are sweaty
knees weak
arms are heavy
there's pic.twitter.com/wTjpK19Kub

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 24, 2016

https://twitter.com/Ulillillysses/status/723476137830014976

if you watch twitter backwards, it's about a bunch of sad people tweeting less and less until they're happy again

— nevona (@nevona) March 4, 2016