Tweets. Tuites. Toots. They’re short, and most of them are bad. In 2016, there were more bad ones than ever. Just the worst. Twitter has evolved into a kneejerk outrage generator, and it finally got a chance to test its weaponized Hot Take technology on a presidential election between the two least-liked candidates in recent history. The results were breathtakingly awful.
But, there were some tiny, glimmering pinpricks in the shroud of depression and misery that is Twitter, little lights of joy or snark that kept us from deleting our accounts. Some of them were the abstract meme artworks of Da Share z0ne. Most of them were, if we’re being honest, pics of Libby Watson’s cat, Digby.
A small and glorious number, however, were just, like… good jokes. Little things we could laugh at instead of burning down our homes for the insurance money. Here are 50 of them. This is the list. You may be thinking “There were other good tweets, though!” No. Stop. This is the list.
Goodnight, 2016 Twitter. Log off forever.
I don't need deodorant to tell me this pic.twitter.com/CXOV8KPD3v— Molly (@mollysavage) April 3, 2016
Damn, this part of the library is Lit A-F— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) April 6, 2016
Dipetizers—appetizers that eat like diapers. Dipe up!™ pic.twitter.com/wzz6Z7SKoy— Neven Mrgan (@mrgan) April 16, 2016
Nicolas Winding Refn at Starbucks: A Short Story— C.J. Prince (@cj_prin) June 22, 2016
Barista: One mocha frap for *looks at cup, sighs* "The Visionary Director of 'Drive'"
♬ clowns to the left of me— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) July 3, 2016
jokers to the right
HERE I AM
between the jokers and clowns ♬
truly, digimon is the vanguard here, the subversive complementary critque; as we say "kant avec sade," we might say "pokemon avec digimon"— the internet's michael lutz (@WarrenIsDead) July 11, 2016
they're good dogs Brent— WeRateDogs® (@dog_rates) September 12, 2016
A: Your greatest weakness?— Gary "鯨理／경리" Illyes (@methode) August 24, 2016
B: Interpreting semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics
A: Could you give an example?
B: Yes, I could
10 months ago we had steve gawker, bob pepe and johnny covertly racist electorate. now we have no gawker, no pepes and a rising white suprem— knife dog (@hudsonhongo) November 9, 2016
When another boy has a balloon pic.twitter.com/y1v1iy2CYp— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) October 9, 2016
A Vine is a short video that requires 3 clicks to start and between 7-10 clicks to stop playing. It usually features someone screaming.— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) September 9, 2016
bröther may i have some öats pic.twitter.com/je2HIEaPpB— portrait of dorian gay (@phantasmarky) October 11, 2016
Regret to inform that I cannot see the Trump tweets you're referring to, as I am blocked by the fucking President of the United States.— David Roth (@david_j_roth) November 16, 2016
Basketball is a turn based strategy game in which teams attempt to damage a hoop with long distance projectile attacks or devastating melee— we (@kanwetwitty) November 17, 2016
'We're gonna build a fourth wall, folks, and make the Brechtians pay for it' pic.twitter.com/wVtlofz3g0— Jeremy Noel-Tod (@jntod) November 19, 2016
More propaganda flowing from the Maine stream media pic.twitter.com/TWLNhD2v8M— Carter Deems (@RealCarterDeems) December 5, 2016
These the boots that's already in ya inventory when ya start the RPG https://t.co/vuOX6P11wQ— Gyarados Equis (@PokemonyeWest) December 9, 2016
i'm dying at this picture. the level of disrespect from the cat to lie down on your pizza is unfathomable pic.twitter.com/6yzMkMKfg6— Robby Kalland (@RKalland) June 9, 2016
I gave an order for my men to remove the ambiguous phrasing from my house and they carried it out— thom (@thwphipps) December 17, 2016
i'm sick of how millennials are always eating breakfast instead of buying houses at the income to house price ratios from 50 years ago— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) October 15, 2016
Brian Wilson: Honey.— Lauren O'Neal (@laureneoneal) May 5, 2016
His wife: Don't do it.
BW: Hey, honey.
His wife: I'm serious.
BW: ……..You ain't married to no average Beach Boy.
did…did he make the sign? pic.twitter.com/XXmuHfTIoA— Anthony Oliveira (@meakoopa) September 22, 2016
The Twitter experience perfectly encapsulated in two tweets pic.twitter.com/Sz2PxhXbUH— Rob Manuel – Follow @fesshole NOW! (@robmanuel) November 10, 2016
Woke up pissed off about the word "ooey" again. This word is only ever attached to "gooey" and does not modify it. Fuck off "ooey"— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) November 2, 2016
i didn't know that the office halloween party had an "occupations" theme pic.twitter.com/4Nv6ZZg5FM— leon (@leyawn) October 28, 2016
the turkey takes his mask off— sarah jeong (@sarahjeong) November 24, 2016
it's edward snowden
obama groans, it's too late to unpardon him now
in tolstoy's war and peace, the war supporters are analogous to team jacob, whilst those who support peace are more similar to team edward— ringworm (@prawn_meat) October 5, 2016
if god had told us that killing macklemore would only open the door for hamilton would we still have done it?— jord (@jordansarge) August 10, 2016
if your genre ends in -core,— Corn Poptimist (@dudeswinburne) June 19, 2016
then it's guitars you'll have in store
but if -wave is the at the end
you'll hear synths, my friend
I find it kind of funny— Diego Maradona Virus (@mattytalks) June 16, 2016
I find it kind of sad
A gator eats a baby
And you go in on his dad pic.twitter.com/EVOj8zx5ft
That's exactly right, Siri. I DID want to know how much a gallon of the movie "Milk" costs. pic.twitter.com/EZZdeIihbO— Scott Simpson (@scottsimpson) May 22, 2016
"la de dah i sing on broadway and i'm gonna stay on me dollar" keep talkin. you ol hair-gelled-winklevoss lookin ass pic.twitter.com/yAxasngrOG— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) April 23, 2016
his palms are sweaty— dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 24, 2016
arms are heavy
if you watch twitter backwards, it's about a bunch of sad people tweeting less and less until they're happy again— nevona (@nevona) March 4, 2016