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Here’s everything that doesn’t cause cancer

x-ray

Stay safe.

Mondays don’t get much worse than this: The World Health Organization just confirmed our worst fears by declaring processed meats—including hamburgers, sausages, and your beloved bacon—a serious cancer risk.

At this point you may be tempted to throw up your hands, declare that everything causes cancer, and break out the frying pan. But don’t despair, people! There are still plenty of foods, habits, products, and activities that haven’t been linked to cancer yet. Enjoy them while you can:

  1. Cigarettes
  2. Alcohol
  3. Cell phones
  4. The sun
  5. Breathing
  6. Kissing
  7. Marijuana
  8. Deodorant
  9. Peanut butter
  10. Shellfish
  11. The Vatican
  12. Jewelry
  13. Hot tea
  14. Brooms
  15. Sugar
  16. Eggs
  17. Candles
  18. Apples
  19. Salmon
  20. Soda
  21. Diet soda
  22. Oral sex
  23. Canned foods
  24. Chinese food
  25. Chewing gum
  26. Parents
  27. Microwave popcorn
  28. Baked goods
  29. Parasitic worms
  30. Wearing a bra
  31. Mammograms
  32. Working the night shift
  33. Birth control pills
  34. Facebook

Photo via Aidan Jones/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0)

Miles Klee

Miles Klee

Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions,  and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'