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You can’t take him anywhere.
Whatever you think about the Japanese snow macaque Darwin, better known as the IKEA monkey, you have to admit: He was well-behaved.
The same cannot, unfortunately, be said for the diaper-wearing monkey spotted by Richelle Stewart in the parking lot of a Walmart of Lancaster, Ohio, which appeared to be assaulting an employee there before it was dragged off by its… owner? Totally normal and fine, nothing to see here.
“A spokesperson for Walmart said the employee was not bitten,” despite a 911 call to the contrary, KSNW-TV reported. “The Department of Agriculture is now trying to track down the woman. It is concerned that if the woman is a resident of Ohio, the monkey may not registered.”
The best part of all this: how utterly unfazed the guy is after being attacked by a rogue monkey in a Walmart parking lot in Ohio. To the question “whose monkey is that?” he can only shrug—and then go on with his day, knowing that, from this moment forward, for any reason, he may be attacked by a monkey wearing a diaper. That is the face of courage, folks.
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'