‘Captain America: Civil War’ explained by someone who’s only seen the memes

As a busy journalist too poor to throw away $12 on the latest entry in Marvel‘s endless superhero saga—and someone who would never, ever pirate a multibillion-dollar entertainment conglomerate’s stolen intellectual property—I have yet to see Captain America: Civil War. 

But that’s OK! In no time at all, this brawny blockbuster has become one of the most meme-ified movies in living memory. So I got the gist of the plot through Twitter, Tumblr, and Imgur, and now I can explain it to you.

Basically, Steve Rogers/Captain America is really old. 

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And he has a boyfriend named Bucky, apparently also old. It’s a thing.

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Anyway, they’re the kind of couple that gets on everyone’s nerves.

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To make matters worse, this Bucky dude is always fucking shit up.

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It doesn’t help that he’s also getting catfished by some lurker.

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But I guess Cap tolerates all this because Bucky has some decency deep down within him—and is struggling with an amputation. (This is probably covered in the last movie, which I also never got around to watching.)

Eventually, though, Iron Man/Tony Stark tells Cap what a destructive relationship he’s in. Things get heated at the intervention.

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Then some kind of cat-man takes the argument too far.

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The cat dude is also, like, king of the cats. FYI.

But maybe this fight was all a cover so that Iron Man could make his move?

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Everyone tells Cap to take the high road, but it doesn’t help.

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A bunch of people put on caps and become #TeamCap.

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Although some of them no doubt have their regrets about it.

And when the guy from Halo tries to back up Iron Man, it doesn’t go well.

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Then, out of nowhere, Spider-Man shows up and (spoiler alert) becomes Captain America. This is the biggest twist and clearly sets up the next movie.

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The only character who actually dies is Hawkeye—from a heart attack.

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In the end, Bucky leaves Cap for a different submissive…

https://www.instagram.com/p/BFks4ijFYZI/

…who was playing the long game all along.

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Cap still has a great ass, fortunately.

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My prediction for the next movie? Everything goes back to normal.

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Oh, and nothing happened after the credits.