‘Captain America: Civil War’ explained by someone who’s only seen the memes

As a busy journalist too poor to throw away $12 on the latest entry in Marvel‘s endless superhero saga—and someone who would never, ever pirate a multibillion-dollar entertainment conglomerate’s stolen intellectual property—I have yet to see Captain America: Civil War. 

But that’s OK! In no time at all, this brawny blockbuster has become one of the most meme-ified movies in living memory. So I got the gist of the plot through Twitter, Tumblr, and Imgur, and now I can explain it to you.

Basically, Steve Rogers/Captain America is really old. 

And he has a boyfriend named Bucky, apparently also old. It’s a thing.

Anyway, they’re the kind of couple that gets on everyone’s nerves.

To make matters worse, this Bucky dude is always fucking shit up.

It doesn’t help that he’s also getting catfished by some lurker.

But I guess Cap tolerates all this because Bucky has some decency deep down within him—and is struggling with an amputation. (This is probably covered in the last movie, which I also never got around to watching.)

Eventually, though, Iron Man/Tony Stark tells Cap what a destructive relationship he’s in. Things get heated at the intervention.

Then some kind of cat-man takes the argument too far.

The cat dude is also, like, king of the cats. FYI.

But maybe this fight was all a cover so that Iron Man could make his move?

Everyone tells Cap to take the high road, but it doesn’t help.

A bunch of people put on caps and become #TeamCap.

Although some of them no doubt have their regrets about it.

And when the guy from Halo tries to back up Iron Man, it doesn’t go well.

Then, out of nowhere, Spider-Man shows up and (spoiler alert) becomes Captain America. This is the biggest twist and clearly sets up the next movie.

The only character who actually dies is Hawkeye—from a heart attack.

In the end, Bucky leaves Cap for a different submissive…

…who was playing the long game all along.

Cap still has a great ass, fortunately.

My prediction for the next movie? Everything goes back to normal.

Oh, and nothing happened after the credits.