By the end of the month, a winner will be crowned for the worst sex writing of the year as part of Literary Review‘s Bad Sex in Fiction Award.
The best of the worst NSFW writing award has been going strong for nearly two and a half decades. Of course, there’s been plenty of not-hot erotica hidden in the pages of lauded works of fiction long before that. Literary Review just had the balls to call it out.
The U.K. literary journal and book-focused magazine has been celebrating some of #badsex’s greatest hits on Twitter and, oh man, is it boner-killing.
often she cooked exotic meals and put chillies or spices in her mouth while preparing the food and (1/2) #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 17, 2016
sucked him while the food cooked and then told him to fuck her while his manhood was burning rock-hard with fire (2/2) #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 17, 2016
He finished fast & hard & when I wasn’t expecting it, & I choked on the thick white fountain & some of it came out of my nose #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 17, 2016
Once he’d trained his sphincter to stop reflexively impersonating a Chinese finger trap, it felt pretty good
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 18, 2016
This year’s spread of nominations in the unsexy smut smorgasboard include…
A Doubter’s Almanac by Ethan Canin
Sweat burnished her body. The lean neck. The surprisingly full breasts. He would down another glass and return. #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 18, 2016
Men Like Air by Tom Connolly
He watched her passport rise gradually out of the back pocket of her jeans in time with the rhythmic bobbing of her buttocks as she sucked
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 18, 2016
The Day Before Happiness by Erri De Luca
“My body was her gearstick.” Some stiff competition for Literary Review’s 2016 Bad Sex in Fiction Prize @Lit_Review https://t.co/vCjfC3irMV
— Laura Helmuth (@laurahelmuth) November 17, 2016
The Butcher’s Hook by Janet Ellis
His finger is inside me, his thumb circling, and I spill like grain from a bucket. He is panting, still running his race. #BadSex
— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 18, 2016
Leave Me by Gayle Forman
"like she was a virgin, like this was the first time" Gayle Forman owes Madonna for that nom https://t.co/rpOrq71oxj via @@TelegraphBooks
— Amy Blumsom (@amyblumalum) November 17, 2016
The Tobacconist by Robert Seethaler
“Come, sonny boy!” he heard her whisper, and with a smile he let go.
Bad sex award 2016: the contenders in quotes https://t.co/fhWy3ljlA3
— Nicola Brady (@Nicola_Brady) November 17, 2016
A special shoutout goes to Jonathan Safran Foer, who apparently really has a thing for mountains. His latest recycled paper bag of a book, Here I Am, includes this asphyxiating abomination:
Finally, the nominees for the 24th Annual Bad Sex in Fiction Award are here! https://t.co/Gi76dVUNVG pic.twitter.com/D0l1kFLC2k
— Garach Jedao Shkan (@ClipperChip) November 18, 2016
Also frequently nominated was president-elect Donald Trump’s Access Hollywood tape, which was merely disqualified for being a real live thing that someone thought was a good idea to say. Out loud.
Anyway, good luck having sex ever again now that an author has equated fingering to a busted bucket of grain!