For years, Americans have been waiting for an appliance that could serve in their homes as the ultimate symbol of decadence. Finally, that product has arrived: GE’s Monogram pizza oven.
While most markets are going to on-demand services instead of individual ownership, GE is taking things the opposite directions. The manufacturer wants you to stop buying cardboard-crusted pizza from national chains—five bucks for a whole pie isn’t a deal if it only tastes good when you’re wasted at two in the morning, right?
Instead of scrounging up the cash to tip the delivery guy, start tossing that couch cushion change into a jar and save up for for the Monogram pizza oven. Sure, it’ll cost you $10,000 (or about 500 $20 deliveries), but it’ll be worth every penny—not because it cooks a perfect pizza, but because anyone who walks into your kitchen will know that you’re a person of extravagance.
What does 10 grand buy you? “Restaurant-quality cooking capabilities,” according to GE, that will allow you to craft your favorite style of pie, from Neapolitan to New York. It also is packed with a built-in, compact interior ventilation system that requires no additional installation.
Impressively, the oven blast your pizza to a state of risen crust and melty cheese in two minutes flat. Less impressively, it requires 30 minutes to preheat before it can do that, so your pizza preparation time is still, at minimum, 32 minutes. It it was a restaurant, it would fail the “30 minute delivery or it’s free” guarantee.
Of course, no device of excess is complete without the inclusion of smartphone-enabled control. A companion app for the oven will give home chefs control even when they aren’t in the kitchen, just in case that’s a thing you need.
Is GE’s Monogram pizza oven actually any more convenient than more conventional options? Not really. Is it more reasonable than just ordering a pizza when the craving hits? It’s doubtful. But is it the perfect symbol of indulgence and faux luxury that you’ve always wanted? Yes, yes it is.
Get your $10,000 together and in May 2016, this pizza oven/status symbol can be yours. Now if only they sold a gold-plated model to really hammer home the lasciviousness of it.