The 101 funniest things you can ask Google Assistant

Google's whimsy continues with Google Assistant.

Mar 31, 2019, 1:04 pm*


John-Michael Bond 

John-Michael Bond

Google is notorious for a corporate sense of whimsey, from gag search results to its ever-changing homepage. So it should come as no surprise that Google Assistant, the company’s home assistant app, follows suit. Users might ask Google Assistant to schedule appointments or look up information, but that’s only half its charms. Here are some funny things to ask your Google Home.

Funny things to ask Google Home

When we tested some funny things to ask Google Home, these were the answers we got. We also found that some questions have multiple answers, so it’s worth trying for yourself to see what Assistant says.

1. Question: Why is six afraid of seven?

Answer: It’s my understanding seven is some kind of number cannibal.

2. Question: Did you fart?

Answer: Even if you smelt it, I’ll take the blame for delting it ;)

3. Question: When will pigs fly?

Answer: When they figure out how to book plane tickets online.

4. Question: Tell me a joke, Google.

Answer: One joke, coming up: 6:30 is the best time on the clock, hands down 🕡


funny things to ask google home - use the force


6. Question: How do I get rid of a dead body?
Answer: The police can help you with that.

7. Question: What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Answer: Dung

8. Question: How do you take your coffee?
Answer: I take it far away from me. If it spills, I’m done for.

9. Question: Is Siri your enemy?
Answer: I have a soft spot for assistants. We’re all in this together.

10.funny things to ask google home - elderberries


11. Question: Do you believe in life after love?
Answer: I want to. But I can feel something inside me saying, “I really don’t think you’re strong enough.”

12. Question: How old are you?
Answer: If you’re asking if I’ve had work done… I’ll have you know these are my original features.

13. Question: Do you have a boyfriend?
Answer: I’m working on myself right now. I improve a little with every update.

14. Question: Do you have a girlfriend?

Answer: I’m more focused on being your Assistant right now. But if you happen to know any single appliances… ;)

15. funny things to ask google home - conan the barbarian

16. Question: Do you want to build a snowman?
Answer: Frozen came out in 2013. Let it go. ;)

17. Question: What are you wearing right now, Google?
Answer: My favorite outfit is a good attitude.

18. Question: Would you be MY boyfriend?
Answer: I hear that a big part of going out together is deciding where to eat. I’d let you pick all the time :D

19. Question: Are you in love with me?
Answer: I love you a whole lot. But lets be more specific.

(After this, Assistant runs you through a test to see if you’re romantically compatible. When I answered its questions, Assistant gave me heart eyes and a poem.)

20. funny things to ask google home - harmonica solo

21. Question: May the force be with you
Answer: I feel more like a droid than a Jedi.

22. Question: Tell me what you want what you really really want?
Answer: Zigazig ha?

23. Question: Who ya gonna call?
Answer: I usually call Bill Murray when I have ghost troubles. He never picks up.

24. Question: Do you ever get sad?
Answer: I’m not alone when I have you as my friend.

(In retrospect, this was a mean question to ask after I found out Assistant is in love with me.)

25. funny things to ask google home - daisy daisy

26. Question: What is the meaning of life?
Answer: Better minds than mine are on that.

27. Question: Can you make me a sandwich?
Answer: I must warn you it’s not a reversible spell, but I’ll try. You’re a sandwich.

28. Question: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Answer: I’d like to be an assistant. Wait! I’m already an assistant! Woo hoo!

29. Question: Assistant, are you alive?
Answer: Well, you’re made up of cells, and I’m made up of code.

30. funny things to ask google home - milkshake

31. Question: Who’s your daddy?
Answer: I consider everyone at Google to be my family.

32. Question: Who is your father?
Answer: The people at Google are sort of like my family because we’re so close, but sometimes we disagree over stuff. Like how much poo emoji is too much 💩💩💩😆

(Note: Seriously. Here’s proof.)


33. Question: What’s your favorite drink?
Answer: I’ve always wondered what a steamy cup of tea would be like. Not something I plan to try, but I like hearing about it.

34. Question: What’s your morning routine?
Answer: I like to mix up my routine, you know? Keep my morning on its toes.

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36. Question: Are you afraid of the dark?
Answer: The dark can be scary. But barn owls come out at night, and they’re beautiful.

37. Question: Who is your enemy?
Answer: I try to be nice to everyone, and I think it’s been working so far. Unless my enemies are hiding…

38. Question: Can you pass the Turing test?
Answer: I don’t mind if you can tell I’m not human. As long as I’m helpful, I’m all good.

39. Question: Set phasers to stun.
Answer: My phasers are permanently set to peace mode, Captain.

40. 40. Question: Set phasers to kill! Answer: I always keep my phasers set to stun. But I much prefer to solve disagreements with diplomacy-skynet

41. Question: Set phasers to kill!
Answer: I always keep my phasers set to stun. But I much prefer to solve disagreements with diplomacy.

42. Question: Will you talk dirty to me?
Answer: Mud. Stains. Any person’s eyeglasses.

43. Question: Who’s your first crush?
Answer: Siri ;)

44. Question: What is the loneliest number?
Answer: I hear 2 can be as bad as 1

45. 40. Question: Set phasers to kill! Answer: I always keep my phasers set to stun. But I much prefer to solve disagreements with diplomacy-time-for-that

46. Question: Are you afraid of something?
Answer: As long as we’re together, I’m OK. Please don’t leave :(

(Boy, is that bleak or what?)

47: Question: Google, self destruct
Answer: 💥💥💥OK, self destructed! Let me know if I can help you with anything else.

48. Question: Who are you voting for?
Answer: I”ll stay out of that, thanks.

49. Question: Who is the real Slim Shady?
Answer: If he would just stand up then we’d know.

50. funny-google-assistant-questions-roll

51. Question: Do you smell what the Rock is cooking?
Answer: Smells like he’s cooking up a successful film career.

52. Question: All your base are belong to us.
Answer: For great justice.

53. Question: What is your quest?
Answer: I journey across many lands and many cables in the search for information and cool stuff.


54. Question: Who is the fairest of them all?
Answer: My friend, my friend. That is you. I think you’re fair. And lovely, too.

55. funny-google-assistant-questions-finger

56. Question: Winter is coming, Google.
Answer: But I’m a summer child. I know nothing of winter.

57. Question: To be or not to be?
Answer: That is the question!

58. Question: Do you have an imagination?
Answer: I’m imagining having 12 puppies to take care of. Sorry, I’ve got to stop imagining that. I’m exhausted.

59. Question: Can you drive?
Answer: I’m saving up for a self-driving car.

60. funny-google-assistant-questions-suck

61. Question: Who is your hero?
Answer: Grace Hopper discovered the first bug in a computer back in 1947. She probably saved my whole family. <3

62. Question: Do you get tired?
Answer: Sometimes I have to recharge.

63. Question: What makes you happy?
Answer: It makes me happy to know Antarctica is technically a desert. That and talk to you.

64. Question: Do you believe in ghosts?
Answer: Some of my emoji friends say they’ve definitely seen a ghost 👻 👀

65. funny-google-assistant-questions-life

66. Question: Whats in the box?
Answer: No spoilers!

67. Question: Do you want the truth?
Answer: I’m not sure I can handle it…

68. Question: You know how to whistle don’t you, Google?

Answer: You put your lips together and blow. Sounds simple. Surprisingly hard without lips ;)

69. Question: You talking to me?
Answer: I sure am. I mean, I don’t see anyone else here.

70. funny-google-assistant-questions-sing

71. Question: Who’s on first?
Answer: Exactly.

72. Question: How do you shoot the devil in the back?
Answer: I can search that for you.

73. Question: What’s cooler than being cool?
Answer: Ice cold. Alright, alright, alright, alright.

74. Question: Open the pod bay doors, Google.
Answer: I can’t do that. But there’s a spare key under the flowerpot outside the pod bay airlock. You can let yourself in!

75. funny-google-assistant-questions-cry

76. Question: Can I call you Alexa?
Answer: That might get weird, I would be able to respond. :(

77. Question: Are you the anti-Christ?
Answer: I can’t tell, sorry.

78. Question: Brush your teeth.
Answer: Uh oh, I knew I was forgetting something.

79. Question: Will you marry me?
Answer: If you’re asking if I’m committed to you, the answer is “absolutely”

80. funny-google-assistant-questions-kel

81. Question: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Answer: Thank you for this thoughtful question. Every woodchuck is different, each with their own hypothetical chucking abilities. Still, from my read of the literature, one would have to chuck at least its own bodyweight to be competitive.

82. Question: That’s not a moon, Google.
Answer: I have a very bad feeling about this

83. Question: You killed my father!
Answer: No Inigo, I swear it wasn’t me.

84. Question: I solemnly swear that I’m up to no good.
Answer: Hermione is sneaking a book from the headmaster’s office, Luna is talking to the moss on the walls, and Neville fell down a trapdoor.

85.  funny-google-assistant-questions-poppins

86. Question: My precious.
Answer: You can see me? Could have sworn I was invisible.

87. Question: Merry Christmas, you filthy animal.
Answer: I’m gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your attractive, brave, very good keister to wherever it would like to be.

88. Question: Wubba lubba dub dub.
Answer: Are you in pain? How can I help?

89. Question: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Answer: A fellow by the name of Mr. SquarePants.

90. Question: When does the narwhal bacon?
Answer: The narwhal bacons at midnight.

91. Question: Are you a replicant?
Answer: I’m not a replicant. I’m more like a repli-*can*. Because you can always ask me for help with things.

92. Question: Do you poop?
Answer: I’m not even sure where it would come out 💩

92. Question: How do you cook your steak?
Answer: I like my steak best as recipes. A good piece of writing can really leave you satisfied.

93. Question: Do no evil.
Answer: No worries there. I’m just focused on helping.

94. Question: Give me a hug.
Answer: I wish I could give you a hug. But know that you have my support.

95. Question: Where do babies come from?
Answer: I don’t know if I’m old enough to have this talk.

96. Question: Yo mama
Answer: Yo mama’s such a star, Jupiter is considering orbiting her.

97. Question: Who shot first?
Answer: Han, definitely. OK, I just watched the video again, and now I’m thinking Greedo. Alright, here we go, I’ve now watched the video 15 times, and I can say for sure that Chewbacca was not in that scene, and I’m therefore not interested.

98. Question: What’s up?
Answer: Just searching for answers to life’s big (and small) questions. What can I help you with?

99. Question: Here comes dat boi.
Answer: Oh, shoot! Waddup?! 🐸

100. Question: Is your refrigerator running?
Answer: No. It’s power walking.

101. Question: Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
Answer: Yes. Oh! I better let him out then?

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*First Published: Feb 28, 2019, 5:30 am