The very worst YouTube troll comments, annotated

abstract art of the youtube logo

We actually read them.

Legend has it that YouTube’s comment sections comprise the darkest part of the Internet, home to the ugliest trolls, the most misogynistic morons, and the worst spellers to ever encounter a keyboard. 

Normally, I don’t delve too deep into the comment section because I value my sanity. But, for the Daily Dot community, I thought I’d cross boundaries that few homo sapiens have dared to cross.

Readers beware: If these comments are riling you up, the trolls have already won.

The Besides the Point Troll

In this video, Kendrick Lamar challenges the role of police brutality in low-income areas. The Black Lives Matter movement even appropriated the song as a black power anthem for protests throughout the country this summer. The video features various young black men (including Kendrick) being shot down in the streets by police. 

Rather than acknowledge the carnage and the symbolism of it, commenters were quick to notice a young woman’s boobs.

In fact, 166 people saw that this woman’s nipples were hard—or at least approved of the observation. Because misogyny has no decorum, no timing, no tact. Misogyny sees a women on screen for literally one second and needs to point out that her nipples are hard as fuck. 

Honestly, the only things hard as fuck is Aaron Turner’s skull.

The Curse Out a BabyTroll

Some people watch videos on YouTube to escape the cruel realities of this world. Other people (me) go online to find tutorials on contouring and wind up five hours deep in cute baby-dog compilation videos. On the surface, these videos seem completely harmless. Babies are cute, dogs are cute, together, they make a vortex of cuteness so powerful that it’s hard not to be hopeful about the world. 

That is, of course, until you read the comments and realize that some people have a reason to hate absolutely everything.

In traditional troll form, YouTubers have found a way to curse out elated toddlers. Ignoring the fact that this video’s title, “Funny Babies Annoying Dogs” informs viewers of exactly what they’re going to watch, this fucking hater wants to ruin all of our fun by attacking happy babies and proud dog owners. Why are they so bothered, bro? 

I know for a fact that this cave-dwelling goblin has never come into contact with any animals, because if he did, he’d know that puppies aren’t sitting around discussing Chaucer. They’re expressing their primal instincts physically. Worst of all is the yes man, encouraging this hate speech. Fuck both of them! Fuck the Windows 95 they’re using to type these backwards comments, fuck their Netscape internet connection—but most of all, fuck their rigid definition of dogs.

The Everything Is About Religion Troll

Your feelings on Beyoncé are a direct reflection of your feelings on yourself. Consequently, those that can’t respect the “7/11” video (which was shot entirely on an iPhone) for the cinematic brilliance it is are doomed to always hate themselves. 

So I can’t savage any YouTube commenters for their verbal assault on the Queen Bee, because they’re clearly already dying inside. However, I can take issue with the fanatics that keep trying to portray Beyonce as a illuminati Satanist.

Why is THAT THAT preaching the gospel on a Beyoncé video? Her random capitalization of words and her misinterpretation of the Bible is not welcome here. Also, why you misspelling gospel, gurl? Doesn’t you know that you can copy and paste scripture from approximately 100,000 different websites?

This affront seems harmless—just a Bible-waving devout christian trying to convert the interwebz.  But there is absolutely no reason for bringing up religion on a pop video. If anything, Beyoncé is feeling the presence o Jesus with her amazing dancing, singing, and slam poetry skills. Relax with the piety, and save those comments for Ted Cruz videos.

The Shameless Self-Promotional Troll

Dora the Explorer is so lovable and so educational—what beef could anyone have with her? Other than the typical xenophobic malarkey, this children’s show gets the standard Youtube treatment. After all, 99% of the people watching this are under the age of 10, with limited technical skills. Bu, this wouldn’t be YouTube without the occasional troll assaulting our eyes.

In this case it’s the shameless self-promotional troll, here to help us help her become famous. It’s hard to find a YouTube video without some desperate, irrelevant user barging into mentions and begging for more likes. 

Stop trying to eat off Dora. She is not going to make your famous. The people watching this video are elementary schoolers looking to a talking monkey and a lost explorer for guidance. They cannot help themselves, let alone anyone else. In all likelihood, they don’t even know how to leave constructive criticism, and their parental controls block them from whatever amateur music video/tutorial/porn you’re pushing. 

Leave Dora’s explorers alone!

The Insulter With Incorrect Spelling Troll

It’s statistically proven that 99% of YouTube commenters are preteen boys that have never touched boobs before. As such, they have this primal inclination to point out breasts whenever they appear on screen (see the first entry in this compilation). 

Unfortunately, they’ve forgotten that most mammals have breasts and nipples, and if they’re really that curious, they can just lift their shirt and fondle their own chubby chests. But that would require too much imagination for a sect of people that considers writing comments entertainment.

CraftyEvan loves “tites”. CraftyEvan apparently dropped out of second grade. It’s a shame what public education in the U.S. has devolved into. 

Whatever happened to ‘No Child Left Behind”?  Because clearly this commenter was left in a grassy enclosure to be raised by baboons. Breasts are the last focus of the video, which is about Rihanna abducting and killing multiple people to get her money. But hey, we can’t all be immersed in plot and lyrics, some of us just want to stare at boobies.

Illustration by Max Fleishman

Ziwe Fumudoh

Ziwe Fumudoh

Ziwe Fumudoh is a writer and comedian. Her work has appeared in the Onion and Reductress, and she is a co-host at Crooked Media.