tortoise beer

Live slow, die slower, bad tortoises do it well.

The only thing that’s harder than a tortoise’s shell is how hard it parties when its owner is out of town. And one rebel tortoise is surely living it up, doing everything from experimenting with drugs to searching for the steamiest reptile pornography.

Redditor u/Consent_van posted photos of what his girlfriend’s tortoise has been up to since leaving the pet in his care. The out-of-town bae asked that he keep her shelled buddy out of trouble, but it looks as if he’s dead set breaking all the rules.

Didn’t this tortoise go through a D.A.R.E. program at some point?  

Seems like this tortoise is looking for a happy ending, if you know what I’m saying. And if he’s in the mood for a huge tortoise party, there’s a couple of other reptilian ragers he should hit up. 

Photos via Consent_van/Imgur

Giant tortoise understandably angry at being interrupted during sex
Get online and pay for reptile porn like everyone else, man.
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