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Sentimental value indeed.
Though the king-size mattress he’s trying to give away is just four years old, it has quite a history. The unphotographed item, allegedly in “excellent” condition, witnessed an entire marriage, including the hideous dissolution:
It has been three years since my wife left me, four years since we were first married, and four years since we bought this mattress (pictured below, serta, 2010 model, offset coil). My wife was a feisty woman in and outside of the bedroom, full disclosure. Rest assured we had the mattress steam cleaned multiple times since our honey moon phase..before it quickly escalated into our matrimonial hell phase.. at which point, I was sleeping on the couch, and my wife used this bed for escapades with men from the internet. Full disclosure. I had the bed steam cleaned so there should be no issues, at all, other than the fact you will have to think of these things every night before you fall asleep on this mattress. This is the price you pay for a free mattress, ok. This mattress has some wonderful, blissful, memories attached to it which is the only reason I held on to it for so long after she left me. I still imagine making love to her on it. Now you can too! Imagine me making love to her that is, though I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve made love to her also.
Twisting the knife another full rotation, the seller adds: “Allison, if you’re reading this, I love you baby. Please just come back.” Buyers are forewarned that, should he not answer his phone, it’s because he’s “taking a shower and crying.”
Us too, buddy.
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'