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With this $200 knit tinfoil hat, you can protect your brainwaves in style
‘They’ can hear your thoughts. ‘They’ also hate great fashion.
As you might expect, she’s also a master knitter herself, which (partly) explains the strangest item for sale on her page: a made-to-order knit tinfoil hat priced at $200.
Made from nothing other than “aluminum foil and extreme patience,” this is the ideal accessory for anyone convinced that the NSA is reading their thoughts but appalled by the slapdash look of most brainwave-shielding headwear. Of course, no description of mine could match S. Kate’s, which I’ll paste here in full for your edification:
Hat shown is a display prototype. (And for my own personal “protection.”)
$200 is a DEPOSIT for me to start working on your very own aluminum foil hat similar in size and style to my prototype. Final price may be higher than deposit and will be determined by dimensions, amount of “yarn” used and any added and discussed design elements.
(The most time consuming part of making this hat is prepping the foil to be knit – it takes me about 1 hour of cutting, folding and crimping just to make each 10 yards of “yarn”)
If interested, please contact me *before* you purchase to discuss your design “vision,” a delivery date and shipping options. I can’t read your mind. “They” can, however, so that is why you need this hat. Allow 3-4 weeks for delivery so continue to wear the hat you have until this one arrives.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD KNIT WITH ALUMINUM FOIL? GO AHEAD. TRY IT. I’D LOVE TO KNOW I’M NOT THE ONLY ALIEN IN THIS UNIVERSE. ARE THEY HERE YET? YOU CAN’T SEE THEM BUT THEY CAN HEAR YOU THINK. IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD A STYLISH HAT LIKE THIS AT LEAST COVER YOUR HEAD WITH AN EMPTY FOIL POTATO CHIP BAG. SAVE YOURSELVES.
I’ll admit it: I don’t think I could knit with aluminum foil. So I’m eternally grateful to S. Kate for making this item available to paranoiacs and electromagnetic hypersensitivity patients alike. She’s done the satellite-and-Wi-Fi-fearing population a great service.
Unfortunately, S. Kate did not return the Daily Dot’s request for comment—we’re assuming her hat blocked our email—but get your order in soon. It’s only a matter of time before the government wipes Etsy’s servers to kill this stylish weapon in the war against surveillance.
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'