Illustration by Jason Reed (Fair Use)
Do the clothes really make the man?
It’s hard to believe, but there once was a time when Donald Trump had a clothing line that was sold at Macy’s. While the department store has long since parted ways with the Republication presidential candidate, you can still find his threads on Amazon—and the reviews are priceless.
Hidden beneath the mountain of “Make America Great Again” hats, overly aggressive Trump Train buttons, and a slew of sardonic-to-offensive merchandise, there’s legitimate business attire.
They say the clothes make the man. Could Trump brand silk ties and French cuff shirts predict the trajectory of our potential commander-in-chief?
These gems are reviews of the “Trump Mens Donald Trump Non Iron Twill Stripe Shirt,” a rather bland cotton dress shirt just begging for condiment stains from your company cookout.
Reviews dating from back before Trump ascended his golden escalator are pretty cut and dried, though they’re not completely glowing. Customers tacitly acknowledge the shoddy quality, and one guy even mocks the shirt for having pockets, a problem that’s apparently been plaguing Amazon for years.
“One look beyond the first appearance and the low-grade cotton is noticeable, as is the fact that it has a pocket,” writes Gilberto Velasquez before he digresses and burns the French Cuff Pocket Complex to the ground. “Not sure why so many French Cuff shirts on Amazon.com have pockets—pockets are great for college undergrads, but some of us are long removed from our college years and are a bit grown up for pockets.”
Pockets are one thing, but making America great again is the real focus here. Needless to say, the Trump clothing line is doing a pretty shitty job with that. Based on the Donald’s previous comments decrying outsourcing, it comes as a surprise that his garments are made in China—a point the Clinton campaign has been driving home in its recent TV advertisements.
Customers simply couldn’t believe that Trump would choose to take his manufacturing elsewhere—to the point that “where the fuck is this shirt made” makes up half of the questions posed about the item. This question follows him to the “Donald Trump Men’s Satin Solid Tie” listing, as well as many other tie variants.
It’s a good thing silk is super absorbent and dries fast; it’s fantastic for tears but apparently shitty for anything else.
“This is the second Trump neck tie I have owned and the first one lasted about 4 years before it met its untimely defeat with a glass of Malbec,” Amazon user Phillip proclaims when reviewing the Tahitian Pearl Pink version of the Trump silk tie.
Throughout my quest for the dankest Trump clothing reviews, it seems the one glimmer of hope in a sea of politicized digs were the accessories. Tie clips and cuff links got shining, legitimate praise. Meanwhile, this guy reportedly had an allergic reaction to a tie and is seeking legal action.
After 10 pages of mostly Trump-inspired items (seriously, who markets your shit, Donald?) I finally found my white whale: the “Trump Men’s Spread Collar Twill Solid Woven Shirt,” a billowy, ill-fitting $70 grey dress shirt with an unfortunate, life-constricting white collar. Behold its best reviews.
As Trump is keen to say on Twitter: Sad!
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