best tweets of 2018

gdsteam/Flickr (CC-BY) Remix by Pat Corbett

The best tweet for every day in 2018

Here's the best tweet for each day of 2018.

May 17, 2018, 11:00 am*

Internet Culture

 

Jay Hathaway

Twitter is a machine for feeding and profiting from our worst impulses and knee-jerkiest reactions. It encourages us to be the worst, angriest version of ourselves. It protects Nazis. And, in case you thought it would be any better in 2018, the U.S. president has already used it as a megaphone to holler about the size of his nuclear button. Twitter is bad. So bad. But even a flaming salvage barrel can be pretty when you look at it from the right angle.

In the spirit of finding beauty and humor in the social network equivalent of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, the Daily Dot will share the best tweet from each day of 2018. These are tiny moments of reprieve that make the life of a journalist (i.e. a professional Twitter reader) bearable. We hope they bring you some comfort, some faith in humanity, or just a shared chuckle.

Just remember that, as bad as 2017 was, it brought us the teeth tweet. What will this year bring?

The best tweets of 2018: January

Jan. 1

Me and my mom saw Neil DeGrasse Tyson at the airport and I told her “he’s probably the most famous scientist right now and he’s black so that’s tight” and she goes “oh is he one of them hidden figures?”

Jan. 2

best tweets 2018 - tweet by gavburl stingray steve irwin

Jan. 3

best tweets 2018 - tweet by blaine stewart, get ready for a pounding

Jan. 4

This pic of Meghan Trainor and the kid from Spy Kids leaving a sex shop with a bag of dildos is truly haunting

Jan 5.

Sir. SIR. Picture of man filling KFC bucket at soda fountain.

Jan 6.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start BATMAN: check the battery ROBIN: what’s a tery

Jan. 7

La Croix taste like if you were drinking carbonated water and someone screamed out loud the name of a specific fruit in the other room

 

Jan. 8 (“Devil Went Down to Georgia” guy 👇 )

"Hey Taco Bell The Illuminati is not a frivolous subject" - Charlie Daniels

Jan. 9

i ask my toddler what's in the box she's holding. "chaos!" she replies. "chaos! chaos!" i know she's trying to say "crayons," but it's not like she's wrong.

 

Jan. 10

cat hanging over display on top of picture of ice skater

Jan. 11 

I'm imagining a press conference where they announce that Dr. Pepper is a woman and there's a huge boycott

Jan 12.

me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier sperm bank employee: what glass of milk me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk sperm bank employee: oh my god me: what sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

Jan 13.

THIS IS JUST TO SAY I have eaten the tide pods that were in the laundry room and which you were probably saving for breakfast

Jan. 14 

trump became president the same year people started eating tide pods

Jan. 15

exhaustive list of podcast genres: - my friends are funny so i never edit them - you didn't know how X worked, now you do - how much personal trauma will people reveal into a mic? lots - murder exists

Jan. 16

'sword' is short for 'swear-word,' which is the most dangerous weapon of all

Jan. 17

and you could have it all my vertical striped shirt and i will let you frown and i will make you Bert

Jan. 18

Garfield with Trump hair and it says This Is Not Nermal

Jan. 19

the dunkirk movie poster with a basketball, edited to say "dunk"

Jan. 20

[teaching my boyfriend cards] ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

Jan. 21

DOG 1: hey u know how sometimes ur human has a ball DOG 2: ya DOG 1: sometimes mine throws the ball, but then magically it’s back in his hand! DOG 2: omg DOG 1: I know NEIL DEGRASSE DOG: actually

Jan. 22

You just turned 25, choose a subclass - Podcasting - Irony Twitter - Get in shape - Beer guy - Stan Ben Shapiro - Twitch streamer - Start smoking again

Jan. 23

me when someone tries to get to know me sign says 'we are open the door is just very heavy'

Jan. 24

[extremely Degrasse Tyson voice] water can not have a shape, unless it is ice, the movie should be called "Ice Movie"

Jan. 25

day 7 of drinking 96oz of water a day. A lot has changed. I pee 14 times a day. My skin feels great.I feel energized.I can now shapeshift into a lizard whenever I want. I can lift 3 Honda civics w/ my pinky finger (left hand specifically) & harvest a field of crops in 0.7 seconds

Jan. 26

@pitbullbirthday tweets: Happy belated birthday to Pitbull sorry

Jan. 27

Political affiliations classified by item they do not own: Tankie - television Socialist - headboard Liberal - bitcoin Libertarian - clothes that fit Conservative - keurig machine Alt-right - 2nd video game controller

Jan. 28

growing up in mass i lived near a town named sandwich and only now, years later, do i realize how funny that is [photo is a 'sandwich police' car in front of a Subway]

Jan. 29

million dollar idea: long jorts. l’jorts.

Jan. 30

Is your child texting about Optical Character Recognition in historical newspapers? BRB: BL18HED rVW Bat? OMG: OPKO'iN Mm! Graaat? TBH: tud Broome Heniy ROFL: Re'o-n.d OaTB F-V l'rogreatioa FML: fombtniiuj mat LL>'R LOL: leal ont lltrpuM WTF: wbich tbit foOawlat

Jan. 31

five-dimensional chess

Feb. 1

oh my god, the GOP released the Nunes memo - "my name is Nunes and eat eat pubes."

Feb. 2

GAVRILO PRINCIP: i hate drama ME: oh yeah? then how come you, a serbian national, assassinated hungarian archduke franz ferdinand in 1914 in the city of sarajevo thusly inciting the first world war bitch

Feb. 3

Roses are red Violets are blue Unexpected '{' on line 32

Feb. 4

Feb. 5

[me telling a lie] my mouth: yeah and that's the way it happened my arms: yep my legs: 100% my hips: sorry y'all I can't do this

Feb. 6

pushed a nerd into a locker and a bunch of bitcoins shot out of him like when sonic gets hurt

Feb. 7

One time my friend Brandon’s Dad and his mom were in a heated argument in the car and she took his kid rock cd out of the player and threw it out the window with rage and he looked her dead in the eyes and pulled out a second copy of that same cd and put it back in the player

 

Feb. 8

i'm late to work because of this [image says 'the cook, the thief, his wife, her lover, & knuckles']

Feb. 9

"a message to my enemies" chubby bird stepping on small rodent

Feb. 10 

roses are red / Jordan could dunk / we all know he can swim / but can Richard Funk?

Feb. 11

We're up all night to see dogs We're up all night to pet dogs We're up all night for good dogs We're up all night to pet puppies

Feb. 12

bag of "void fill" packing peanuts

Feb. 13

you've been hit by you've been struck by truck

Feb. 14

[valentine's day] gf: [reading my txt] "keith just said he's going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight" her friend: "oh wow" [later watching shrek 2] me: "you look disappointed"

Feb. 15

ME: what's good playa WIFE: i'm your wife please stop calling me that

Feb. 16

gaming chairs are the sitting version of a race car bed

Feb. 17

CRAIGSLIST > NEW ORLEANS > FOR SALE > BABY SHOES, NEVER WORN pickup only. seriously guys come get these things out of my house. my girlfriend is EXTREMELY mad at me for blowing $250 on Baby Jordan's "as a joke"

Feb. 18

A Neutral Milk Hotel is a Complicit Milk Hotel.

Feb. 19

it's the remix to eviction [news story: r. kelly evicted from atlanta homes]

Feb. 20

*on a date* ya im kind of a film nerd *back at my place* so here's my orange VHS copy of Rugrats in Paris

Feb. 21 (the whole thread is good)

My roommates bought a husky with nudes...

Feb. 22

god: this person will have witty, unique humor god: and this person will have well-timed jokes god: and this person- me: in the wumbo the mighty wumbo. the chumbo sleemps tosnipe god: -will have humor that is only mildly amusing to a specific group of people on one website online

 

Feb. 23

donald trump: My daughter, Ivanka, just arrived in South Korea. We cannot have a better, or smarter, person representing our country. mobute: why not

Feb. 24

Just spotted a cat on someone's porch, miaowing to be let in. Without thinking, I walked up to the door, rang the bell, nodded to the cat and left. It was only I rounded the corner I realised what I'd done as I heard the owner shouting FUCK ME SARAH THE CAT JUST RANG THE DOORBELL

Feb. 25

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud* BEE *depressed* holy shit

Feb. 26

[watching Ready Player One with date] "That's player one, and if I'm not mistaken...yes. He is ready"

Feb. 27

ah yes the two genders [photo of people wearing white adidas / photo of people wearing black Vans]

Feb. 28

come on and slam / and welcome to the lamb (photo of Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop)

Mar. 1

BARISTA: what can I get you ME: medium roast please B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato M: *under breath* damn

Mar. 2

respect to @olivegarden for no longer selling AR-15s at all their locations [next tweet is a cease and desist letter from olive garden]

Mar. 3

One time my friend was walking out of school and a teacher said to him "where do you think YOU'RE going," and he said "Wherever the fuck I want" and never went back to school

Mar. 4

This sign has broken me. I’m ready to just throw off the yoke of society and live ferally now. [sign says ".25 banana's by the each"

Mar. 5

Yesterday I stopped to pet a dog, and as the owner walked away I heard him say to her, "You see? Everybody loves you! And you don't even love yourself!!!" and I'm going to be thinking about it for the next five years

Mar. 6

Post Malone always looks like a vandalized Wendy's logo [photo of Post Malone]

Mar. 7

 coffins : the ultimate and final ravioli

Mar. 8

people who dry swallow pills carry a terrifying amount of chaotic energy and should not be fucked with under any circumstances whatsoever

Mar. 9

a fun thing is how there are thousands of tweets from Early Twitter of people saying "nothing whats up" and "nothing whos this" etc because they thought they were chatting with the compose tweet box that asked "What's happening?"

Mar. 10

these kids today are so coddled & soft. When WE were young we never discussed our “feelings" and WE turned out weirdly manipulative, short-tempered & resistant to self-examination

Mar. 11

“Let The Bodies Hit The Floor” is the sequel to “It’s Raining Men”

Mar. 12

MEN ON STAR WARS: they fucking ruined it. some rando chick is super strong, out of nowhere? and luke doesn't lightsaber fight? MEN ON READY PLAYER ONE: yknow, if you're a true geek like me and you 'get' the references, like "indiana jones," it's fun. that's what movies should be

 

Mar. 13

once I learn how to read it’s over for you bitchest

Mar. 14

Why should we listen to TEENS who haven't graduated high school when we could be listening to ADULTS who are constantly tricked into sharing articles from www.NYt1mes.fart

Mar. 15

adult me, reflecting on a date: yeah we had a nice time teen me, reflecting on a date: HANDS DOWN THIS IS THE BEST DATE I CAN EVER REMEMBER ALWAYS REMEMBER THE SOUND OF THE STEREO THE DIM OF THE SOFT LIGHTS THE SCENT OF YOUR HAIR THAT YOU TWIRLED IN YOUR FINGERS AND THE TIME OF

Mar. 16

Got a text from my little brother saying, “Grandma is wearing your old shirt...” [it's an anime shirt]

Mar. 17

Mar. 18

Nobody talks about Jesus' miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

Mar. 19

my housemate described a bad bumble date she went on last week with some legend who said he loved memes, showed her all his favourite memes on his phone, and then asked her “so what do you think of the future of memes?… i think it’s just going to get better and better!”

Mar. 20

The Form of Cheese (2017, Guillermo del Toro) [photo: a billboard that says 'queso: the most seductive form of cheese'"

Mar. 21

2008 me: Jesus christ... so it's... The future is a straight-up dystopia? 2018 me: yeah but check this out I've put one of your memes next to ours and I have to say the memes have gotten a lot better [Photo: a chuck norris meme on the left, and a google search for "who invent boneless car' with the result being 'ol musky' on the right]

Mar. 22

if you write "Japanese Prime Minister" in one version of the headline and "Japanese Leader" in the other, that is Abe testing

Mar. 23

20-something in 1958: why it sure is swell that even tho i never finished high school my job at the factory allows me to own my own home and financially support my wife and our three children 20-something in 2018: my boss is an app and i owe it money

Mar. 24

The Sacred Pirate Rules: 1. The ocean be a cruel mistress 2. To loot and plunder is our way 3. Always keep a belly full of grog 4. Respect yer matie's pronouns 5. Stay safe and have fun

Mar. 25

WELL MAYBE IF YOU'D FUCKIN EAT MORE OF YOUR YOSHINOYA BEEF BOWL YOU'D SEE THERE'S AN ENGAGEMENT RING IN THERE JESUS CHRIST

Mar. 26

FRIEND: so how are you? ME: I'm well, thanks! FRIEND: what's new? ME: not much! FRIEND: well, what have you been up to? ME: why are you doing this to me

Mar. 27

me: let the teens speak teens: where lies the strangling fruit that came from the hand of the sinner I shall bring forth the seeds of the dead to share with the worms that gather in the darkness and surround the world with the power of their lives while from the diml- me: oh no

Mar. 28

BRAS DON'T FIT When You Put on a Bra, It Doesn't Fit by Lauren O'Neal Columnist SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — A bra is an item of clothing that, by definition, does not fit. The bra you're wearing right now doesn't fit, because all bras don't fit. That's just not something bras can do.

Mar. 29

I want a girl with a short skurgage and a [sign says 'long burgage']

Mar. 30

Harsh, man. [Sign says "Weird Al Sold Out"

Mar. 31

Journalism vs every other career [sign points to 'reading and writing' one way and 'money' the other]

Apr. 1

psychologist: okay how about this [holds up another rorschach blot] what do you see in this me: Big Mood psychologist: [exasperatedly takes off glasses and rubs bridge of nose]

Apr. 2

Me at 15: Why does my mom like Costco so much? Me at 26: I have an unfailing memory and can perfectly recall sentences I have said in my past.

Apr. 3

If my calculations are correct, biscuits and Triscuits hint towards a mysterious third food called "monoscuits."

Apr. 4

drake doesn't like the usb stick inserted one way, he doesn't like it flipped over, then he *does* like it inserted the first way

Apr. 5

Arctic Monkeys new record tracklist is pretty great Oi You Wankers It's Called Aluminium Hopping the Lift to me Mate's Flat Blimey, it's Almost Time for Black Mirror I Fink that Lorry Driver's a Fink Are You 'Avin a Laugh? Meet Me at the Tesco Me Mum Loves the New John Lewis Ad

Apr. 6

These expensive, these is red bottoms. These is [picture of "mini moos' cream packet]

Apr. 7

it's the remix to ignition [picture of hot n' spicy mcchicken]

Apr. 8

Couple is sitting next to each other on the subway and the woman is talking the man’s ear off about her roommate when the man goes, “Katie, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go into my head for a bit,” and now I have my response to every convo I want out of forevermore

Apr. 9

Pooh: what to do indeed Christopher Robin: pooh? Pooh: you must return to us. the woozles slaughter our people. a heffalump sits on the throne Christopher Robin: ask piglet. i don't take life anymore Pooh: piglet is dead Christopher Robin: Christopher Robin: bring me my gun

Apr. 10

1998: teach your children to code. It will be an essential skill in the New Digital Economy! 2018: we regret that due to the actions of the first children taught to code, we now recommend teaching your children to forage for roots and tubers, archery, improving overland stamina

Apr. 11

[political compass with bye men / by men / bi men / buy men]

Apr. 12

the Rick and Morty hoodie is an example of "anti-plumage", the way a human animal broadcasts their intention to never have sex

Apr. 13

[Photo of weird-looking fish] The horngus of a dongfish is attached by a scungle to a kind of dillsack (the nutte sac).

Apr. 14 (click through to read the whole thing)

trump chopper meme

Apr. 15

[photos of three eyes] 1. weed 2. cocaine 3. seeing right through your cards, yugi boy

Apr. 16

Me: Wow I’ve never been this still before Ben Stiller: Meh

Apr. 17

Apr. 18

It would be cool if Netflix had a 'hide all stand-up specials' option, because I am sick of seeing people I've never heard of holding microphones on my damn feed.

Apr. 19

this shit look like a scooby doo fruit snack [picture of Kanye's "Yeezy Slide" sandals]

Apr. 20

call me by your name [lyrics to john jacob jingleheimer schmidt]

Apr. 21

baby boomers love to talk shit like their biggest problem growing up wasn’t accidentally starting to float toward a pie left on an open windowsill

Apr. 22

skeleton jazz wizard

Apr. 23

mom: you should clean your room teen: shut up, mom jordan peterson: you should clean your room, to stop the dragon of chaos from consuming western civilisation teen: this is genius

Apr. 24

Atreus: Knock, knock. Kratos: Who is at the door? Atreus: Orange. Kratos: What business does it have with us? Atreus: Orange you glad I'm not a banana? Kratos: Atreus, do not jest. We must attend to our guest, the orange. Atrues: Dad. Kratos: ATTEND TO THE ORANGE, BOY!

Apr. 25

lupin: what’ll we do when capitalism ends and monetary value ceases to exist
jigen: i’m trying to sleep
lupin: *shaking him* how will we steal value after it becomes irrevocably tied with the act of doing labor itself!

Apr. 26

in celebration of bill cosby's bum ass finally going to jail, i will be sagging my pants at half-mast for the rest of the week

Apr. 27

self care steve austin

Apr. 28

it's just funny to me that some of you claim to be SO open-minded but you won't even let the bodies hit the floor

Apr. 29

Good artists copy, great artists steal, the greatest artists steal AND replace it with their perfect copy so the museum never knows it's missing

Apr. 30

I just realised if The Incredible Hulk was English he'd be called The Absolute Unit and now I'm sad

May 1

the infinity stones were hiding in plain sight [friends logo]

May 2

me choosing my outfit every day [distracted boyfriend meme where he's leaving the color palette for a black square[

May 3

I told the beauty store clerk I didn't know how to shop for new eyeliner because I "hadn't been on this planet in awhile." I meant, planet makeup. She just excitedly whispered to a colleague, "There's an astronaut lady who needs help with her Earth look."

May 4

Got asked how I’m so good at excel when my degree is in gender studies and I am very proud of the straight face I kept as I answered “How else am I supposed to keep track of all the genders?”

May 5

thinking about getting a second dick installed to compensate for my shitty car

May 6

lmao my lyft deadass got out the car to fight someone / he won, 5 stars

May 7

[don draper, shirtless and in sunglasses, cracking open a can of coors and taking a liberal sip while standing on the prow of a yacht while watching fireworks burst over manhattan bay at twilight on the fourth of july… slowly morphing into jar jar binks in the course of a gif]

May 8

Small brain: who is grimes Large brain: who is elon musk Laser brain: what is the met ball Galaxy brain: what is the catholic church

May 9 

They're selling Dave Chappelle's crackhead outfit at Banana Republic.

May 10

the best part about being a millenial is probably either a. avocados or b. monetizing every aspect of your life until enjoyment is so far removed from activity that you dont know what you actually like doing anymore

May 11

i'm amazing, i matter, i deserve to be loved, my life is falling apart, i slept on my eye again and it hurts, got stuck in the shower this week somehow, i got a big buttass and a peanut brain, i own one plant and i think it hates me

May 12

It's 2018. The word "nut" now has at least four distinct meanings. We are living in a dystopia.

May 13

Disney: we queer coded these villains so you would think they were yucky. Me: I love them. Disney: wait what Me: I would die for them Disney: but Me: leave me and my evil family alone Disney: *deep sigh*

May 14

The only way to cure the syndrome is to find and behead the true imposter

May 15

Dear god I don't ask for much but please don't let me get drafted into the NBA, I don't know how to play basketball

May 16

god: so in your time on earth what did you find important me: just about every bad thing involved relativistically powerful people using status to avoid their role in problems. leadership, relationships, parenting. just about all of it. god: me: god: me: od: me: d: me: : me: me:Editor’s note: This article is updated daily.

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*First Published: Jan 9, 2018, 6:00 am