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We can totally hook you up with tix.
If you’re on Facebook, chances are you’ve seen a bunch of fake concert popping up on your feed. This latest meme in event-trolling began with Limp Bizkit supposedly playing a gas station in Dayton this past 4/20, and has totally gotten out of hand since then. I even found myself becoming a part of the problem, clicking the “Interested” button for all of these events, to the point to where my friends also joined in on the fun and even assumed I was the one creating them. I wish.
Anyway, because I’m a dedicated journalist doing the work that nobody else wants to do (read: I hate myself), I ranked these bogus shows from worst to best. The joke was good for a while, but ideally this will be final the nail in the coffin for fake Facebook concert posts.
Would rather watch an actual puddle of mud(d).
Why the hell would anyone want to hear an acoustic rendition of “Bawitdaba”?
Only reason to go to this is so you can ironically text a friend, “Yo, Lit is so lit.”
31) Aaron Carter DJ’s the best of the ’90s at Jamba Juice
The event is actually Aaron Carter playing music from a premade Spotify playlist while he makes your smoothie, because he works at Jamba Juice.
It’s really just an hour-long set of the brothers playing remixes of “Mmmbop,” including this one.
First 100 people get a free butterfly cookie.
He’ll be performing to a backdrop of screengrabs taken during his #AskRKelly disaster of 2013. For every dollar donated to whatever charity organization Jamba Juice is partnered up with, a smoothie will be put to the side for someone to throw at the singer mid-set.
27) Bloodhound Gang live at Parkesburg Wawa
The concert won’t really be free. You’re going to be buying as many hoagies as you can to bribe them to play “The Bad Touch.”
The first child to go through the PlayPlace three times gets a free beatboxing lesson from Markie himself.
Enya is a recluse, so the opportunity to see her anywhere in the United States is a privilege, but PetSmart? Chance of a lifetime. Ideally, her performance would end with “Only Time,” as well as begin with “Only Time” and only include “Only Time.” So, basically a whole not of “Only Time.” Jean-Claude Van Damme might even make it out, too.
The true key to happiness? Having David Draiman scream “OH, AH, AH, AH, AH” in your face while you’re purchasing the bare necessities at affordable prices. Plus, Bush.
23) Lil Wayne live at Rite Aid
The hope is that Tha Carter V will be out by then, but an open sizzurp bar is just asking for trouble. Also, be ready to go through several performances by struggle rappers all booked for the show day-of.
“Summer Sixteen” and “Jumpman” would go hard as fuck as you’re chowing down on a Chicken Bellagio entree and sipping a glass of wine from a part of Australia you can’t pronounce. If you got a VIP ticket, save room for dessert: Drake will personally feed you a pie of your choice.
UNLIMITED BREADSTICKS AND PINOT NOIR? YO YOU CRAZY FOR THIS ONE OLIVE GARDEN. Also, Birdman will be walking around asking diners if they’d like more “RESPECK” on their food. Say no—it’s a trap.
20) Sugar Ray live at Ross Dress for Less
“I JUST WANT TO BUY!” —Mark McGrath as he strolls through the aisles dancing with fans. The group will also be filming a very special episode of Killer Karaoke.
Free face painting throughout the entire event, and all VHS rentals are a dollar.
The real headliner is Shia LaBeouf and his latest performance art endeavor, in which he serves as the frontman of Static-X for their future reunion shows (RIP Wayne Static).
Smash Mouth doesn’t get any love these days, as if everyone’s forgotten at that they once loved (and probably still love) “All Star.” The first Shrek movie would’ve been a complete disaster without the band’s contribution. Whatever. Smash Mouth isn’t playing in a Dumpster because they’re trash, but because they’re fearless and always ready to push the envelope in regard to live performances. They’re the last living punk band, honestly.
Whoever booked Korn and LCD Soundsystem together deserves a Nobel Peace Prize. The former will reportedly perform on a stack of 30 mattresses outside Sleepy’s, with Jonathan Davis doing a front flip into a waterbed if the store makes over $500 dollars before the end of their show. The latter will be DJ’ing the collaborative EP they did with Korn, titled: Korn is Playing at My House.
As long as Robert Trujillo does this throughout the entire parking lot, people will even stay for the St. Anger encore.
Get there early, because the first half of the concert is Drake catching up with “Courtney from Hooters on Peachtree.”
Criss Angel will attempt to transform Avril Lavigne into the perfect Doritos Locos Taco. Also, 25 lucky winners get a strand of Guy Fieri’s hair.
If you see a hipster ironically enjoying this criminally underrated and influential rap group, please feel free to smack them with a pancake.
11) Rammstein live at Wendy’s
With any luck, the manager made the proper accommodations for the band’s pyrotechnics. Either way, this’ll be a memorable show for so many reasons.
Drake and Neil deGrasse Tyson will be playing their collaborative project, What a Time to Be Alive in a Black Hole. All proceeds will go toward shooting Future to Pluto.
9) GWAR live at Cici’s Pizza
Because eating a macaroni and cheese pizza while getting sprayed with fake blood is a sick and twisted dream we’ve all had, and we should be ashamed of ourselves.
Morrissey has only agreed to this show if, and only if, he can blow up the sports arena with everyone inside after the band opens with “Meat is Murder.”
Complimentary lemonade courtesy of the #BeyHive (North Carolina chapter), and includes a guest appearance from this dude who read a book during an actual Beyoncé performance in North Carolina.
6) John Cena live at Rolling Oaks Mall
IT GOES IT GOES IT GOES IT GOES IT GOES IT GOES JOHN CENAAAAAA, YUH!
*John Cena body slams MC Ride while Chanel West Coast laughs and laughs and laughs.
Expect a rant revisiting the “Gay Fish” controversy of 2009.
4) Nine Inch Nails live at HEB Pantry Store
Joe Manganiello will be reenacting his highly memorable “Closer” scene with one blessed audience member. Added bonus: you get to lick Whataburger honey butter sauce off his abs.
President Barack Obama would totally end his presidency by partying with a bunch of weirdos in a defunct Williamsburg venue. There’ll be free PBR all night, with both Keegan Michael-Key and Larry Wilmore serving as hype men.
This would basically be an IRL Superjail! episode. In other words: the greatest concert of all time.
1) Daft Punk Live at Joel Olsteen Ministries, Lakewood Church
Once this happens, the rapture can finally commence.
Elijah Watson is an internet culture and entertainment reporter. His work has been published by the Daily Beast, Vice, Complex, Bustle, Uproxx, and Okayplayer.