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By now you’ve heard that Apple‘s iPhone 7 has no 3.5mm headphone jack. You’ll have to plug your standard earbuds in via a Lightning adapter or shell out $159 for their new wireless AirPods. Overall, sounds like a great way to annoy and/or siphon more cash from consumers.
But almost as important as the major change was the computing giant’s justification for it. Apple Senior VP Phil Schiller had one word.
Apple on headphone port: “It really comes down to one word: courage. The courage to move on and do something better for all of us.”
— Nellie Bowles (@NellieBowles) September 7, 2016
It’s true, man—this was brave. Why should first responders, soldiers, social activists, astronauts, and alligator-wrestlers get all the glory? Apple is committed to making slick new smartphones for the global elite, and that takes series cojones. Who else would be so fearless? We were inspired.
if only we all had the courage to remove our buttholes so we never needed to poop again
— matt (@mattbuchanan) September 7, 2016
Courage. D-Day. Moon landing. Removing the headphone port.
— Jason Chen (@diskopo) September 7, 2016
“You might ask, ‘Why would you try to bake a cake without sugar?’ The answer is simple. It’s called courage.”
— Jamelle Bouie (@jbouie) September 7, 2016
courage is pricing the airpods at $159
— Alex Fitzpatrick (@AlexJamesFitz) September 7, 2016
“Why didn’t you turn in your draft, Chris?”
— Chris Geidner (@chrisgeidner) September 7, 2016
— andy levy (@andylevy) September 7, 2016
OK, fine, there were some naysayers who stood in the way of progress. Please note that it took no courage at all to tweet these things. None.
Apple throws around the word “courage” in their keynote without even a single mention of Harambe
— Fright Shark (@FrightShark) September 7, 2016
eliminating an open standard in favor of a proprietary connector that charges licensing fees is not “courage”
— brian feldman (@bafeldman) September 7, 2016
— Farhad Manjoo (@fmanjoo) September 7, 2016
how much courage would it take to make a phone battery that lasts for more than 6 hours
— Igor Bobic (@igorbobic) September 7, 2016
Who the hell are these courage-haters? Why do they insist on being afraid? Will they ever attain the boldness necessary to help move civilization forward? Don’t know, don’t care, and definitely not. But on the off-chance it’s being unable to afford the iPhone 7 they’re actually worried about, we’ve got ’em covered. Check out this hot accessory sure to go flying off shelves:
See? The future’s not so scary after all.
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'