At this moment in time, millions of Americans are captivated by a historic tribunal. The proceedings, focused on one man, have already featured devastating rumors, betrayals, and innuendo. We’re all expecting some midnight creeping, but in truth, no one knows what will happen next.
The only thing that’s certain is that when it’s all over, his life, and possibly ours, will be changed forever.
This is The Bachelor, where anything can happen.
But it’s also a fair description of the impeachment trial of President Donald Trump.
Likewise, on Twitter, it can be surprisingly difficult to tell whether someone is subtweeting impeachment or The Bachelor. Tweets like, “I think my brain is bleeding,” and, “That is…the whitest room I have ever seen, and I grew up Southern Protestant,” could really go either way.
Here are just some of the tweets that could just as easily be about a reality show featuring an amorous man facing one of the most important decisions of his life on national television, or actual reality featuring an amorous man facing one of the most important decisions of his life on national television.
‘Two more hours’
TWO MORE HOURS!!! pic.twitter.com/Qr8Q8qeYB4— 𝕋𝕚𝕒 𝔹𝕒𝕣𝕣𝕒𝕔𝕚𝕟𝕚 (@TiaBarracini) January 22, 2020
Hm. Is that baby excited to see the please-god-make-it-stop conclusion to #ChampagneGate? Or, after watching 12 solid hours of impeachment, are they just hoping that God makes it stop?
‘I tried to listen to this mess, I just couldn’t take it’
I tried to listen to this mess, I just couldn't take it 😠— Louie G 🇩🇪🇲🇽🇺🇲 (@LouGarza86) January 21, 2020
This fine fellow might be watching Pilot Peter pretend to care about that one girl’s sad backstory, or he could be listening to Trump’s counsel mount his defense. It’s impossible to be sure.
‘Your freestyle raps are destroying this family’
Your freestyle raps are destroying this family— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) January 22, 2020
Well, as we all know, the contestants on The Bachelor are encouraged to showcase their talents and not-so-talents, which have literally included freestyle rapping.
Then again, yesterday a sitting Congressman quoted the Notorious B.I.G. on the Senate floor.
‘Ya’ll ready for Andy Dalton’
Y’all ready for Andy Dalton— Dilla (@E_Dilla) January 22, 2020
Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton providing impeachment evidence would actually be less surprising than, say, a former landscaper being accused of surveilling of a United States ambassador. But an NFL quarterback would also be a great get to star in the 25th (!) season of The Bachelor. Unfortunately for ginger lovers everywhere or, er, somewhere, Dalton’s married. Gardner Minshew, however, is free as a bird. Just sayin’.
An argument about the use of the word ‘stupid’
…and you wish to draw attention to that act of essentalizing human intellectual ability as an inherent trait, you are welcome to POLITELY draw attention to that mistake, provided you have done at least ONE FUCKING THING to demonstrate you are engaging with me in good faith…— 🦇 Quaranteenage Kicks 🦇 (@nataliereed84) January 22, 2020
Hard to deny that there’s plenty of stupid on both fronts, and not much engaging in good faith.
Derek Peth, a former contestant, knocks on doors for Warren
Elizabeth Warren got his rose. https://t.co/kFxuhEnoQQ— Travis Akers (@travisakers) January 22, 2020
Next week, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) presents her plan to win Derek’s heart … and vote Trump out of office.
Ted Cruz botches a West Wing quote
1. He heard this on West Wing— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) January 22, 2020
2. He got the quote wrong
3. No one is banging anything with that beard pic.twitter.com/H6rgePfLTj
How can Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) be expected to get his quotes straight when, just like contestants on The Bachelor, senators aren’t allowed to use their phones when Congress is in session? Heck, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) was reportedly taking notes with a quill pen yesterday.
Actually, this is a killer idea for an episode of The Bachelor where the contestants dress up like the Founding Fathers, which would also be truly excellent attire for the Senate when they cast impeachment votes.
Day three of impeachment trials continues today, but episode four of The Bachelor isn’t until next Tuesday night.